the fire that once was

Something that I’m sacred of is just that I’ve “lost my edge”… not in the sense of skill or living or whatever… but rather my enjoyment for things. I think I question it every once in awhile… the things that once I had so much passion for, just kinda dwindled away… and that fire, not just that the fuel that upholds living becomes harder and harder to fuel, to upkeep. That the glaring, haunting, dooming feeling of… how long can I keep this up for? Because I don’t know if there is any sense of continuity, sustenance or stability in terms of enjoyment right now… of fuel of life. Maybe those things burned so much brighter… once before… that it felt like that fuel was never ending, that it was endless. That I lost that passion, was blunted and hurt… that those things don’t come as easy anymore and sometimes I’m not willing to take that leap, challenge or stand up for/to something.
Not exactly like “what once was” is lost forever,… rather than that I just feel like I’ve slowed down a lot from all that pain and torment, and I don’t feel like continuing sometimes.

Because I’ve written about this a few times already, I’m trying to avoid using the same terms/ way of explaining that I used before. Before, it would have been so much easier to ‘go for something’, to dedicate myself to it, without caring for other people and stuff… to rock my own thing (I’m trying to slowly find that kind of/ similar energy now), to just go my own way, disregard others and just streamline towards it. But that depressive period did change a lot. I don’t know what to say other than the fact that I feel a lot more blunt… something in between discouraged and just… it takes more to get me into the zone again (up for debate) and that for a lot of things, my enjoyment is harder to come by (I’m not too sure about this – cuz I don’t really do a lot of activities). It’s something like, I feel like I lost a part of myself, of something that isn’t exactly once was, but rather just empty.
Sometimes it’s just I get tired a lot more than before, and that I’m just not as passionate. Just brunt out. Not willing to expend all that much effort.

Just something missing, grief for what once was, losing something. Like the engine of life that once shone so brightly became weaker… that tungsten bulb just… became dimmer. From wear and tear, burnout, excess flow of electricity, I don’t know what the fuck. (A part of me is confused honestly, because I read some stuff about burnout and stuff like that, and it seems similar to that, but it seems weird to me, because I’ve hit it a few times, but same same but different each time (2016- video editing) (2019- photography) But I’m not even ‘established’ or been doing it for that long, so I have no fucking clue, (breaking too 2018-2020) it just is like… it just seems baffling to me. I am in no ways a professional, nor have I been doing it for a long time.)

“Something fundamental is holding me back” that thought honestly hasn’t been with me for awhile, it doesn’t strike me as hard… not sure if it’s because talking/acknowledging the parental stuff has helped me move forward a lil bit, but also that part of acknowledging and now that I do deserve something, I am actually decent/ good at what I do, I work hard and have worked hard… giving myself some credit, for my accomplishments, past and present (and you have proven that you are a fucking capable being, so there’s no need to worry)

Just sleep on it and wait abit to process it for abit I guess. You don’t gotta think about it or know how to answer it instantly. Take your time… 慢慢來

Love & peace

(15th Jan 2021)

happy holidays

merry christmas and happy holidays to all y’all. Hope you had a wonderful year (despite all the shit going on), had time to take a break and reflect upon the many things that have happened this year, the healings and the things we’re grateful for.

This year has definitely been a turbulent one for me, we’re slowly approaching the 2 year anniversary of me starting this blog, and it has been a wild ride through and through. I am grateful that throughout these past 2 years I have met and been able to meet such wonderful (and no so wonderful people), document my many learnings that I wish to remind myself, learning what it means to be human, slowly healing, putting some past ideas and hurt into light… it’s been here through the ups and downs of my (albeit very recent) life. through wanting to grind to achieve my dreams, to breaking apart, reforming and breaking, to somewhat piecing back and realising in different ways.

A journey of a fuck ton of ups and downs… I’ve learned a lot from these experience-es. From tryna be trilingual (oh god please dont look at those blogposts), to vomiting out my heart (I still do that I guess), with the ocasional rant/sadboi poem, analysis rant or love letter (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE). Learnt a lot HAHAHAHAH.

Things have definitely changed for the better. I have had time to heal and look at past traumas. To take time to actually take a break and slow the fuck down, to cry, to dream, to exist and just be. There still have been ups and downs throughout the year (as per usual, it’s part of being human).

I think I can say every year, that I would not have expected to be in this position this year (in a good way xd), that it’s different from what I had envisioned, planned or even expected… but that’s what it is I guess, giving ourselves the space to exist, to make mistakes and just be… and also no expectations (Space created, if you will ;))

Many lessons learnt, the hard way and the soft way. Celebrations are important! And they mean something, it gets you going, and as unimportant the next day is to the other, faith and belief in SOMETHING pushes along, whatever it is. It inspires us, drags us along, and sometimes even allows us to transcend beyond.

Foundations are important. How you wake up in the morning, the people around you, the vibrations you hear, the things you consume (food wise and visually too). Without a strong foundation, support group and foreground, it’s much easier to crumble and it gets harder and harder to get up.

Taking a break and slowing down is essential to just… existing I guess. Giving yourself time, and space to just exist and fucking be yourself. Daring to be complicated and yourself partially. Going on that 0.5 gear, not forcing yourself to rush or to get anywhere. To breathe in, enjoy the scenery, sun, flowers and the sound of the river flowing, the trees swooshing in the wind, the sensations in your fingertips…

To those who have inspired me to write, interacted with me in any way, or have read anything… I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being here and supporting me. It’s been a wild ass ride, and everyday will be as same same as different as the other, but I look forward to it. I hope that the years beyond can be as fruitful, exciting and loving as this year has been for me. I wish you nothing but the best.. LOVING WITH ALL OUR HEARTS AND SOUL. Faith and belief in life beyond, the journey and each other. Continuing to live, step and exist with courage and curiosity.

Love,… and peace y’all


what once was

what made you so strong?
To challenge everything at ripe 13
to say fuck it all and dive straight in
to the depths of the void
and still come out into the sun
and smile at the end of the day
and be able to love
those around you, and yourself
to take those dreams as a child
and say
“thank you, for everything
for making my dreams come true.”
’cause all I can say is
“what happened to me?”

to those dreams and hopes
as a child
to those years
drenched in that deep void
not able to see the light of day
what changed?
what was so different between us?
was it the size of our dreams?
or those around us?
The amount of love we gave?
or was it just us?

To be able to see you smile
means the world
but to be able to see me smile
even I don’t know what that feels like.

circa october/november 2019

i just want to stop hurting

i just hope i dont spend the rest of my life mourning something I never had. searching for things to fill that hole, in other people… because what I needed never was there. to live my life an empty shell of a husk, to never see the light of day nor to ever try to move towards it.

to accept the numbness as it is, and to stop trying

looking at others, and yearning

Sometimes I look at him (or all these other ‘successful’ people, maybe Jay park too) and be like yeah, I can do it too… and it’s partially like.. feeling so frustrated throughout childhood to early highschool… of feeling like I didn’t have the skill, the courage, the tenacity, the opportunity, the luck or just like anything to achieve anything… dance, music, language, whatever, always just stuck stuck stuck… that people were constantly looking down on me, and things were never empowering nor ever felt good. That I didn’t deserve anything… and I was always doomed to be mediocre.

I think it’s kinda like a visceral reaction to that, like I want these things, I yearn for these things. Success, hope, friendship, solidarity, happiness… do I not deserve too? I can do it too, fuck all of you who told me otherwise. Didn’t give me your time. Belittled me. Pushed me aside… and it’s just that anger and frustration. (So seeing people have that it’s generally been 2 reactions.. longing and hope giving, curiosity and awe… or it’s just anger, frustration and jealousy. ) I don’t doubt that ____ has been through some shit within his life , and had to work hard to get there… I don’t doubt that for a second.
I just hope, that these things will come to me too. Cause sometimes… I just can’t take it anymore. Not know. Nothing ‘successful’ or just having shit down on lock… But that’s all just expectations. No expectations I guess.

(Friday 19th December 2020, 18:10 ish)

things about how to exist good

  • Eat lots of good food
    • Cake, burgers, spaghetti, fries, teas, boba, 紫米, chocolate, comfort food, ice-cream, that shit that makes you go MMMMM and puts a smile on your face.
  • Surround yourself with good people
    • with people you love and who love you too
  • Listen to good music
    • the shit that gives you life
  • Sleep well.
    • Nap often (if you need to)
    • 8 hours! nothing less.
  • See good things
    • movies, girls, books, WHATEVER. Get these things IN.
  • Be thankful and grateful for everything.
    • The people around you, the vibrations you hear, the things you eat. And mean it. The small things in life.
  • Drink plenty of water

When you consume and experiences things that radiate life energy itself… and have amazing foundation, I think it becomes a lot easier to give back that life energy to the world, whether in the things you say, the way you move, or the things you create, or even just simply existing… and you will give back.

thoughts, continuing and hope

I want to be able to say “oh I’m trying hard and whatever, it’s just that no opportunities are coming…” but it’s just that I feel like the initial hit of reaction was I’m more rushed on time, and I don’t want to feel that way… after everything. With some feelings and stuff, I still feel like I have a panicked reaction to it – being told anything negative honestly, when the truth starts to set in that I’m not ‘established’, ‘successful’, or earning any money, have any recognition or even on my feet at any point… I think how sometimes I have to be in a rush to “sellout” -> get more experience doing things I wouldn’t be interested in doing, or just because it simply relates to holding a camera or whatever. -> working on set, taking a course… simply because it’s “”related”” or “what you do” (first of all, that’s others putting words in your mouth… and you already know yourself better than they do, no need to give their words extra weight because they can ‘assume’ what’s best for you. I think m___ & b___ really tried to do that because of the role selves they tried to give themselves… )

Also there is/was always the thought of “I could be so much more if I just let my ””pride”” go.” -> start doing instagram, client work, start grinding, going on film sets WHATEVER, just getting off your ass and “”trying””… (I mean, it’s yeah and no. Like with eeeeeeeverything in life, you can’t exactly guarantee that things will NOT work out whether you try or not… but there are things that you want to do and not… and the decision ultimately falls on you, sometimes you just wanna take things real fuckin slow and not do anything else… that’s fucking fine. And you don’t have to do things the conventional way either, everybody, has a fucking different-ass path to walk, and anything anybody says is not a 1 size fits all.

You don’t gotta put so much weight on people’s words… cuz they don’t know all of you, all the struggles that you’re going through or whatever… (and that’s fine, some people are actually willing to listen to these things, take the time to understand and try to help you based on the info, and taking into consideration past things. But I think it’s just human nature, that we just wanna help or just shoot out whatever form of advice or anything, to make ourselves feel better or ‘improve’ our relationship with the person… and that’s okay.

I can’t say “oh just think back to Jay park” or whatever and it’ll all be hunky dory, and you’ll have hope flowing back into your life or whatever. ’cause it’s hard to constantly keep that hopeful mentality, being thankful and grateful for everything, especially when things have been in the dumpster for years on end AND you don’t have “anything” right now… but it’s a start to things. Honest to god, you deserve this shit, and don’t let anyone take that away from you.

Hope is a weird as fuck beast y’know. Regardless of everything, you know FOR A FACT that life is out there, you’ve tasted, seen, the faintest hint of a glance of an opportunity out there. It’s not like “hurr durr savor it”, but just keep going man. Loving, with all your heart and soul, with courage & curiosity… and faith and believing.

Love, and peace…

(Tuesday, 15th December 2020. 15:33 ish)

continuing and being

yeah… so thoughts have kinda been popping up a lil bit. I honestly just don’t want to feel stuck. Whether it be emotionally, spiritually, monetarily or just feeling wise. It sucks. But y’know, not all thoughts are the best thoughts (they are real as fuck, and their existence should be recognized.)
I don’t think you should worry all to much about… the specifics of everything. How much time to give yourself, how to execute that or that, how to market OR WHATEVER. It’ll come, as long as you keep trying. Open your heart to the senses, love, with all your heart and soul. Take things as they come… elongating the present.

You have your own journey to walk, no matter how fast or slow, you can resonate with others, and take the things that you want to learn from them. (But it doesn’t have to hit that deep, although some other things will)

My heart did relax when I wrote, “it’ll come, as long as you keep trying.”- I think something that has definitely made me feel anxious – ironically is hearing the paths of people who clearly found some kind of solidarity within 3 years. But knowing that for some people, it took far longer than that gives me hope… that I don’t have to be everything right now… that I can take my time and actually enjoy life and the things I have right now… just… slowing down. The sound of the rain, the sound of the pen scratching on the paper… the shadow moving on the page, the sounds of cats running around.
You don’t have to rush with anything… ever.
Take your time to rest. To look around, to walk,
to breathe in the air, to enjoy the sun, to listen
to the sounds of the birds, of the rain trickling down.
To love… to enjoy living… and existing.

(Love, and peace…
to love, with all our heart and soul.
with courage, and curiosity.
Faith, and believing.)

(Tuesday, December 15th 2020, 00:23 ish)

passion and enjoyment without foundation

Passion and enjoyment or whatever can carry you only so far… (when you have an amazing foundation for life, these things allow you to THRIVE),

however, if you’re not sleeping well, eating well, staying clean, or not in a good emotional state, it becomes a lot harder to enjoy things, be passionate or invested. Constantly tired and feeling like these things are more draining and painful than anything… that it doesn’t add value, but rather takes away or even you have to exert so much effort, just to try or to stand up.

Honestly, when I was depressed… editing photos & stuff, or just getting up to do anything was hard. Nothing was enjoyable and just like… everything felt like a burden… that it was hard to not just enjoy things, but to feel passion or drive or whatever, when that foundation isn’t even there, it’s hard to intake or absorb ANYTHING. Everything just hurts.

(Friday 11th December 2020, 00:20 ish)

sucking it up

There was a real talk episode -> the one about who do idols go to for advice (or something)
and Ashley mentioned stuff about how you wanna control your emotions or whatnot, well just suck it up (because that’s part of being a professional.) (the question was what it’s like being infront of the cameras) -> I get that part, sometimes you’re gonna have days where you just don’t feel like doing things, but you just gotta suck it up, and not let your emotions get in the way.
(but from my own experience of mid-functioning anxiety & whatnot- just being in class & being so 著急, and just like… I don’t fucking want to be here, and stuff like that, my emotions were constantly overwhelming me… and I feel like if I had tried to power through it, (which I did, it just made it hurt so much more). It’s times when things are kept so strictly professional, that these professors didn’t take the time to actually listen (even just for 5 mins), push aside, disconnect & be so disregarding, mean and stuff that made it hurt so much more… I thought that it was my fault at the time, that I was “too much”, and that they just weren’t willing to listen… all my fault that they didn’t want to answer these things or anything. (But it’s mostly their shitty & unempathetic personality honestly). But yeah. Emotions getting into the way of work or whatever – I think it’s even more professional & empathetic if you take the time out to give them space & understand their problems, to listen, communicate, talk it out and see how you can help them. Instead of the easy band -aid solution of ‘just suck it up’… well, “just sucking it up” gave me trauma and long lasting anxiety because all I could do was to “suck up” that guilt-tripping, feelings of shame, that I’m not enough, and I’m worthless, simple because somebody else was too stubborn, ignorant and stupid to take 5 minutes to understand a kid who didn’t know any better. I’m just saying.

It’s not the “hurr durr we’re spoiling people by being too soft”. I think there’s a big distinction between “spoiling someone” and being “empathetic enough to forge a better relationship and not cause long lasting mental damage on somebody”
There’s a difference.

(Also for S___ & J__, you telling people to “suck it up” because they’re too sensitive or soft or whatever is woefully ironic, because everybody else is dealing with your stupid shit, while none of y’all ever sucked it up for anyone else… I guess the turns have tabled, and it wasn’t worth being around you guys.)

There is definitely, definitely a way to maintain a healthy emotional/ work relationship with anybody because… we’re human, we’re emotional beings. Being mindful, and aware of these things, and taking the time to understand each other, and accommodate and find common ground, learn new things, allows us to forge even tighter relationships and to create much more amazing art.
Please be mindful of the peoples’ around you’s emotions, because I honestly think it deserves to be recognized, and simply not throw them aside because you’re a “professional”.

Love, & peace.

(also if Ashley, Peniel or BM or any of the production staff are reading this, I fucking love you guys. You guys are dope as hell and I have never found a podcast that I have resonated with so much… y’all give me so much hope in life and I will continue supporting and loving y’all. It’s just that this topic is something I’m extra, extra, extra butthurt about. )

(Wednesday, 9th dec 2020, 2:06 ish)