about existing I guess… the feeling of never feeling like you ever landed. Or that the world was strange around you. In the sense of all the pain, suffering, hardships, past traumas all haunted you consistently, yet you never knew they existed, nor really how to deal with it. It would eat at you constantly, without ever knowing why. Beating yourself up consistently, feeling shame, embarrassment for ‘not knowing’, for not knowing ‘how to deal with it’, or what was even there. Existing was painful. Trying to find solidarity, any form of anchor, of something or someone to hold on to. What is the point in everything, if there was nothing worth living for?
Wandering the places around you, and the demonic ecosystem inside of you, wondering why you exist, do I deserve to exist? Does anything ever make any sense, why did I never learn to do anything? To deal with these feelings inside and out? Hoping that somebody, something would reach out their hand, saying that they love you, believe in you and that you have potential. That you are worth saving, that you deserve to be alive and that there’s plenty more out there, worth living for in this world.
And never really finding that answer (but for real tho, does it even exist?) Giving oneself the space for the emotions, sensations, feelings, memories, traumas, everything to exist. Not suppressing it, ignoring it or pushing it away. Not judging it, or deeming it as bad or good, just letting it sit there, exist and just be.
Being more okay with all these things inside of us, just a little bit at a time I guess.
The thought of wishing for something grand kinda has been in my head for abit… and I wonder (this was something I about before – when I finished reading the book) That maybe it’s trying to fulfill another healing fantasy/ role self(???)
That going for something big, moving towards your dreams and finding that “moment” will heal you from everything. That achieving greatness is something you have to do for yourself, because your parents could never do it. That it’s something you “want” (like duh I want it, I want to feel those emotions. The feelings of something grand and part of something greater, making waves and impacting people) But part of it is that voice, the one that’s been rushing me (esp during earlier this year) to get a move on and try to work/ DO something. That idleness is unwelcome, and that you are a failure for not trying. It’s been awhile I guess… had somewhat succumbed to that voice in the beginning. Feeling shame and guilt for not moving forward (in the way that I expected or really others expected you to.) and really thinking back on it now, it was an adjusted part of their healing fantasy, believing that they’re supportive people, offering half-assed advice and being stoic in their ideals, and believing that they’re helping, good people (when their stubbornness is leading to more harm, and in fact is some of the source of their problems. )
Maybe it’s in part the role-self I have created for myself. Of that achieving “””greatness””” is the only way that I’ll be recognized and loved. (and that’s kinda it LMFAO. Part of the healing fantasy is that if I play the anchor and try hard, be supportive, I’ll be loved back – and in a sense ’tis that too, seeking those who will never love me back, the arrogant, self centered, toxic people… hoping to be the one to change them, for me to save them, and them to save me.)
Listened to a lil bit of the Tom Misch tiny desk concert, and it just feels like people hitting the ripe old age of 21, some magic shit happens and they’re established artists by then… and it honestly just feels so weird. Tzuyu was born 14th June(?), so she’s not that much older than me… it really does baffle me that she moved to korea before highschool, and trained, debuted all in that span (~13 years old). The dedication & the grit must have been insane – which also makes me think tbh… during that volatile time of the human brain… how the fuck did she get through all of that – being in a foreign environment + language problems + being away from family + school stuff + trainee stress + many other things… it just baffles me to see her hella succeeding & just… being there. (It obviously makes me wonder what the fuck happened here? ROFL, also she’s super clean when she dances, which I have not noticed.)
I think the thoughts/ sentiments have been almost the same for the past 3 years. Around the time the birthday rolls around… the idea of age being synonymous with me needing to get my ass on and to do work always comes around… seeing people post highschool age, (even around my age) start “succeeding” and “getting famous(???)” or just being out there… makes me real jealous. (honestly seeing how close she is to me in age, & finding out Tom Misch had his breakout around when he was 20~21 also made me think) (wonder why I never really questioned/ thought about Billie Elish tho…)
18th birthday -> danced w/ Y___ at the usual spot. Saw A___ & was really still hungover about a lot of shit (I’m actually wearing the Chiba shirt from that aswell).
19th birthday -> In Japan, probably crying in my dorm… didn’t really hit anything off well at the time, and had improved a lot since then… but in the end was still pondering about what lies ahead.
20th birthday -> in Malaysia, doin visa stuff… I don’t exactly remember how the day went, but it didn’t go all that good. (I think I took the shadow self portrait then, I don’t exactly remember), being in KL fucking sucked, and I honestly wanted to celebrate it in Taiwan… (but hey, shit happens & stuff…)
The thought of… I’m X age now… time to get my shit together.. Y or Z or V person already had [thing] happen to them before X age, you should be able to do it too! kinda sentiment.
(Giving these thoughts & sensations space to exist… to just be.)
People have their own pace in life I guess… maybe it’s about how you lived, rather than how many years it was (school of life video), like with most animals, time is only relative… maybe we should worry about the quality, not quantity. (same thing with the book about architecture, most architects have their careers start at age 50…)
It’s not like “hurr durr, your life can start anytime, just waiting for you to fulfill those prospects or take initiative.”
Definitely, one of the things I was worried about was whether or not the “time would come”, where I would ‘achieve greatness/ success’ -> (or at least get the ball rolling lin life… to have the sails up and everything just… rolling along, sailing, moving I guess. The period in my life right now, doesn’t feel like that, and the last time I think was probably year 2~6… life was turbulent as fuck growing up HAHAHA.
I don’t really know how to resolve this sentiment… it sucks to not see myself growing (even though I have been), to not feel like I’ve progressed or improved (even though I have a lot),
part of it is the comparison I guess -> comparing myself to the yung ones around me (especially those who are very, very often seen by others), time and ‘success’ if even this word deserves to exist, is honestly, really, really relative. Attaching myself to the expectations that I need to be something big or be famous, or get that shit on or create good art… etc. (which isn’t a bad thing, just attaching too tightly will cause suffering.)
(many, many more thoughts about Tzuyu continued. Things changed a lot for the both of us when we were 13. I moved back to Malaysia, she moved to Korea, and the parallel lines that we took were much different.
In a way, she moved up, while I just crashed into the depths of hell and further beyond. (who knows, maybe she had gone through shit just as bad, but managed to find the light at the end of the tunnel, or had a bomb ass support group) I’m genuinely curious about all those times.
Maybe, maybe, maybe you know. We can only wish that we were stronger in those times. That if we went back in time, we’d be strong enough to deal with those moments in time. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Do I regret it? Nope and yes. Yes – that I didn’t make good enough decisions at the time, and I just wasn’t good enough. Nope – the past is in the past, there’s nothing I can do about it. Just… acknowledging it, dealing with it, healing from those mistakes and traumatic events, is really fucking hard.
Maybe, if I was 13 again, and had walked down a different path, I would have been able to deal with everything (the path & the past better), maybe, maybe, maybe.
Felt strange today… had some wack ass sleep (partially due to the cat intruding in the morning, just wanting food and shit.) Woke up ~10 and just felt like shit. I also slept for ~2-3 hours (honestly I don’t remember), after lunch. And just felt pretty tired for the rest of the day.
The phase comes back every once in a while of “post doing something” “I have nothing to do, no structure” type feeling. Just turning to twitter/mangadex/webtoons/youtube, constantly back and forth during the day… and just feeling bored all the time. Just wanting something to occupy my mind and distract me.
Sometimes imagining scenarios or then questioning everything ~17:00 ish went for a walk and looked at the clouds & walked up the nice path… it felt good. Somethings I noticed – was still somewhat tight, especially walking past some people, was kinda focusing too much, even tunneling on photography and my own thoughts… somewhat not feeling present in the current moment. The more I concentrated on photography the more my thoughts shrunk in and became more detached to the scenery around me. I kinda feel bad… disappointed – in a sense of not wanting to run away from the present and scenery around me (and the point of going for a walk is to clear my mind and get out of my head), but also the conflict of not wanting to judge myself, or assign anything to the emotions…
Did take a few photos though, initially, just walking around with a camera made me feel like I was near the 川口 river (or whatever stupid ass river that was near where I lived) and just constantly searching for, looking for things to photograph.
Bought Bacon Ice Cream on Saturday, and it made me feel kinda riled, like the thoughts & grind heavy mindset came back. Of just wanting to catch up to him, of wanting to see things the same as him. Even wondering to myself… will I achieve the same level of success as him? The answer is honestly, I don’t know. Not even time will tell. The seasons will change the river of time will continue to flow.
All these thoughts/ emotions, just… giving it the space to exist. The fact that I would have been fucked under corona circumstances if it wasn’t for my parents… that independence is a strange thing… the things we wish we could do… the person we want to become… to hold on to these expectations or to let them go? These emotions/ thoughts/ ideas/ feelings… everything will continue to exist within us. Not suppressing it or ignoring it. Letting it just be… there… here. A vast amount of space, inside one’s heart, where everything has space to exist, and not be squished or neglected.
World is strange… and that’s okay. Sometimes, we don’t know the answers to things, or how to react. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you won’t know in the future, or that you’ll never know. Continuing to step forward, slowly. With courage… and an avid curiosity.
Of course I worry about it everyday… the blogposts, what to write, the future, myself, and just… many, many things. The thoughts comes every once in awhile, but it does exist. Will I continue to stay like this for a long time? Will my future look as bleak, as useless, as drained as I am right now? Will I be able to continue forward? Is there a future, where I can gladly look up, look ahead at the bright, fulfilling, dazzling prospects(?)… a future worth living… does that exist?
Just… worrying about everything, not even worry, just having the thought graze, pass through my mind. Things about the future, to the small things. What should I do next? I haven’t edited something in 1 day… I haven’t written on the blog in a month… I haven’t read a page of a book in 2 months, my shelf looks dirty… when will I ever go workout…? When will I ever meet new people and expand from this comfort zone… will I ever have good habits again? When will I learn to do XYZABCDE? Will I ever stop feeling insecure about myself…? And the things I can’t do, have yet to do, haven’t experienced or have yet to experience?
Maybe it’s all just expectations for myself/ yourself. Gripping so tightly onto the ideas of what it means to better oneself, to become a better human. That I must conquer x or y problem that is within me right now because it is hindering my growth… stopping me from achieving my true potential.
Yes. There is fear… not just that, discomfort, scared, tightness, unsure about facing the unknown… what getting out of that comfort zone or taking a step forward. It honestly doesn’t have to be much (shoulders felt a lot lighter after writing that out) any step is a step forward… slowly, it’s okay to take things slowly, as slowly as you want to. No need to rush, to 急 into anything. Just.. breath…slowly.
These thoughts, these emotions… of worry, of expecting myself to be able to do things, to conquer, to push forward, the fear… it all exists within me… and that’s okay. The vastness of the space in my heart… all which exists has space inside. Not filled to the brim, or that things are crammed inside. A vast, open space. The feelings of guilty, shame, embarrassment, the expectations, the wishing for fulfilment, a bright future, stability, belonging, happiness… coesxist with each other. Not supressing or forgeten or abandoned. Just… simply being.