loneliness

Maybe it’s a lil’ bit of that… scared of being lonely, but not knowing anything else. The only thing you know is to suppress that loneliness & not… keeping yourself and the emotions company.

Just like.. thinking about 陪 the child inside of you… and what, how you as a child would have liked to have someone by your side… it feels like I know but I don’t know.

That I want somebody to be my confidant, to understand, to accompany. To feel like I can talk & discuss & disclose any feelings/ thoughts to them. But they’re also guiding and helping me. To be able to bring me out of the depths of my own troubles, to take my hand and “save me”, when I need it. To have that trust, to not feel betrayed, or ever will be.

The part that I don’t know is that when I’m trying (but mostly just thinking) to 陪 that self… I don’t think I can be that person for myself. I feel like I’m not enough, and that I want to run away from these feelings… drown it out with something else.

That this feeling of loneliness, of solitude & isolation can only be “cured” by somebody else.

Maybe it’s just an attachment to that ideal… that only someone else can come save you. Maybe I’m not taking t he time or even giving these emotions & feelings the space. To exist, to flow or just to be. Pushing them away, suppressing them & hoping that they disappear.

It is a deep down desire to not feel alone. To not feel isolated. To feel like my existence is acknowledged, is of value, that I’m contributing… that I’m not alone & am loved. It’s frustrating… there is shame, there is guilt flowing inside of me. I feel shameful, guilty and somewhat disappointed. Y’know… if I gotten over this fear I would be so much more… so much better. I could do more things, connect with more people.. Maybe that’s just attachment to that idea. That we need to be more, or that not being ‘better’ is pulling me down.

The shame of having to rely on others for basic things… of not being independent. Of not constantly creating or going out… or not being “”””normal””””. (to be able to go out, reach out, connect.)

Create meaningful work, not be awkward. Have a “job”, have a career”.

Maybe it’s just attachment to all those ideals. That this one thing is holding me back, or that this is the life I want to live, or how it should be lived. That these things are important to “live a good life.”

Whatever it may be, it shall pass. The shame, frustration, guilt, disappointment. even the enjoyment, enthusiasm, fulfillment, satisfaction, all shall pass. The ideals we have for living, the days that we live. Giving these emotions the space to flow, exist and just be. Welcoming whatever comes. Having the courage to continue, and just walking forward with an avid curiosity and that courage. In the end, this too shall pass.

Love & peace.

(Tuesday 7th July 2020, 00:40 ish)

things learned – self

I’m frustrated that I don’t remember all the things I talked about during my counselling meeting.

Maybe that’s just attachment- that you have to know how to react, how to be with, how to answer all the emotions right now. That frustration from small things shouldn’t exist or that should should always be perfect, run smoothly & you know how to execute it 100%

Sometimes it’s just about being able to take a step back. Take a minute to check in with yourself. What are the sensations, the things that I feel right now, in this moment?

~~~~

The initial thoughts about things, the ideals that we have, the things that spring into our minds once we see something. That initial reactionary thought.

We all have it, but we don’t have to immediately believe it.
人都會有, 不要馬上相信它.

~~~~

Shit about other people, about significant others. Acknowledging them as an individual, and they have their own limitations, and so do you. They’re not saying those things because they don’t love you or straight up hate you. It’s because the way that they think is right feels wrong to you… or they don’t know what you feel is right.

It’s not that they’re doing it on purpose… but rather they just don’t know how… they have their limitations.

Sometimes it’s strange yet so amazing. Humans are so insecure… with themselves and living. We have a plethora of problems, imperfections. limitations, and yet we still try to love. The amount of courage it takes to keep loving is insane. To keep improving, to keep learning, to keep progressing. Isn’t that already a lot…

With human beings having so many limitations… sometimes putting all that weight – of being a lover, a friend, a partner, a mentor, a confidant – it’s too much for a single person. Accepting that you yourself have limitations , that you aren’t perfect and need help with things…

There are other people out there who are better than you at somethings- that have the capability to fulfill the things you don’t have or don’t know how. (Like the thing luffy said – he can’t navigate, he can’t hold a sword, he can’t lie – and that he would be dead without his crewmates. )

當可以依賴很多人, 才是independent.

Just… 可以欣賞別人, 欣賞自己 for the things we’ve learned… the things we’re able to do and not do.

~~~~

I was talking about motivation & shit like that. How I get anxiety, feel anxious & frustrated about not doing anything… about not progressing – shit like having a career or getting a job…

And just the sens of drained-ness that I get from going outside. Of just “exploring” without any plan… Just going back to the first few months in Japan, where there was that 新鮮感, that I could just go downtown & just photograph shit, just explore & wander around. But that was really anxiety inducing. Just the tightness of the shoulders and thighs (from physical tiredness aswell as body tensing up). Just feeling so lost & having no sense of direction. (in real life & in life in general) How going outside reminds me of that sometimes. (Just rolling downhill into only going outside for counselling, food, interviews or anything scheduled. )

That sense of loneliness of drained-ness, of fear of the outside even is from the 陌生-ness of the outside growing up.

Feeling alone & trapped & scared growing up. Malaysia, Thailand, even Taiwan & Japan.

[Counselor] asked: what age is that feeling (of tightnes, of fear)

  • I said 3-18… just that that feeling has been around for a long time
  • that I wished for the child inside me to 被陪… to have someone there, to have that 親人感. To feel close, to have a confidant. To feel safe & secure.

Just… 陪那個小男孩.If you don’t know how to do it just think of yourself… how you would qwant somebody else to 陪 you (as a child)

會陪人家,but when will you 陪自己?

Just y’know. 我願意陪著我孤單的自己,我害怕的自己, 生氣的自己... 

(Love & peace)

(Friday 3rd July 2020 – 1:38am ish)

ignoring others and being ignored

Just thinking about the things in the past. Ignoring others & not putting in the effort to keep in touch because I was never really invested. Sometimes just wanting to disappear & fade out from their lives… hoping to be forgotten and for those memories to be suppressed & disappear.

But yet the thing I hate about others (which I probably hate about myself) is that very ignoring part. Not like “oh I was busy”, like yeh bitch I see you posting on instagram but when other people ignore & pretend it’s cool.

In the age of social media and all that jazz, it’s sometimes hard for emotions to come through in text form on a screen. The feelings of guilt, longing, loneliness, shame and all that jazz can’t be transcribed or transferred that easily. (届かない)

Sometimes being forgotten and relationships/ friendships slowly fading is a normal thing. And if those feelings (whether love or not) are unrequited and only 1 side is trying to uphold it, there’s not much you can do.

I just feel guilty deep down for ignoring people, and just straying away or letting these things fade. Mostly because I wanted to disappear, was lazy to uphold it or just straight up didn’t feeling anything. I feel bad and guilty for not really saying anything.

Maybe it’s some form of attachment… to ideals of being able to tell when a friendship is ending, and it should stop… or that everybody deserves time & will click & needs to be kept up with. As we continue to ride the wave that is life, there are people that we keep around us. The faces that we meet and experience will be forgotten, but will remain with us one way or another. Sometimes things fade. (And that’s okay.)

Whether it’s the feelings inside of us, the living beings around us or the presence we occupy…

this too, shall pass.

Love & peace

(Monday 29th June 2020, 00:40 ish(??))

forget ignore

Ignore me harder

forget me less.

But yet when I want to forget you

Why do I have to put in effort?

Sidelined

forgotten

ignored

disappeared

Am I really important to you?

Or was it just “was”

A stepping stool towards a goal

or a small step in a long intertwining journey

Was feeling important for you?

or was it just

for

me?

Ignore me if you must

but at least make

an excuse

Forget me if you want

and I’ll disappear

when I want to.

(Mon 29th June 2020, 00:30 ish)

Letting go

Letting go is something I still don’t understand. Maybe actively accepting it, acknowledging it is something that helps. When the existence of something is accepted, not denied, we learn to live with it. To welcome its presence in this universe. Not to push it away and hope we forget & it disappears.

Maybe it’s like ink. It’s fresh in our memories, it’s vivid, clear and vibrant. But as time goes on, as long as the radiant sun that is our presence shines on it, it beings to fade. When we box those memories, those ideals, those emotions up, the sun doesn’t shine on it. It doesn’t fade. The lingering feeling of it existing continues to haunt, even to the point where we forget what it once was.

Maybe letting go is like acknowledging the inks existence. To say, in this moment, it is this. It is being. To cast that light upon it. And the ones that are fading were not once “like x or y”, but are being now. That all things can change, are changing & will continue to do so. That this too, shall pass.

Love & peace.

(Sunday June 21st 1:00am ish)

emptiness and attachment to ideals

Shounen’s abyss has been something on my mind last night & some of today. Kinda have been letting the idea sit a lil bit, but also at the same time, it’s been a lil bit frustrating because I don’t know what to make of it, or actually pinpoint what I’m feeling.

The overall idea I had about it was the feeling of trapped. Stuck in the same loop of shit, constantly wanting, hoping for something invigorating & changing everything. It’s not that what’s everyday, or the rate that everything is going at is mundane… it’s also suffocating. Feeling like everything around you is boxing, closing in. That the slightest change of scenery or deviance gives you a bit of dopamine, and you constantly chase for more. Addicted to that small flicker of tainted hope. It’s not a spark that leads into a bonfire that turns your life around, but rather the only light in the tunnel that just gets longer.
I never really thought that I was ‘trapped’ before this – since moving back. But it hist a lil bit close to home. The sparse scenery… the constant wishing for something more. That somebody, some thing, some event will come into your life & change things… it rsonates.

One of the things that stuck out for me is when the idol says “It’s not that I want to die, it’s just that there’s nothing worth living for”

Boy’s abyss – ch 7 pg 11 – translation by Black Cat Scanlations

Hit me pretty accurately. The fact that the vigour, the 熱誠 to live life isn’t there anymore. Just a vacuum of life. A shell, a husk, a void within oneself. An abyss I guess. It really resonated & caught me a lil bit, and was because… one thing that came up in a previous counselling session, that got me pretty emotional was that I didn’t want to return to ‘that time’.
Of when I felt empty, that nothing was going my way and never will. That there wasn’t anything worth pursuing anymore, anything worth living for. Times when waking up, getting out of bed was difficult… dreading the moments sitting in class & just having a weighing feeling of “why am I here” and “nothing is worth it.” The times where I barely slept, sleeping only because I was physically to tired to continue, and not being able to bear the weight, being too scared to face tomorrow.
Manga that delves into this topic, aswell as shit about university piques my interest but ultimately gives me a lot of anxiety. (University ones don’t pique my interest, just straight up gives me anxiety. )

It’s been something that I’ve been very scared to address, to face or even peek my face into. I boxed away the idea of “not wanting to live a life like this again” or “not wanting to be like that”, or “never returning to that (physical & mental) place again.”

Been avoiding those feelings out right & when anything that resembles it pops up, I just panic and become anxious. Maybe, there’s some attachment tot hat ideal. Not only to the ‘I want to be able to wake up everyday fulfilled, full of life. Being able to sleep at night without stress, knowing I did my best and at peace’, but also holding on to the ideal of “I never want to go back there again. To the days where getting out of bed was tough. The vast empty void inside of me. Living, existing, feeling constantly drained, empty & unaccomplished. Just lost… and simply existing was painful.”

Maybe attaching myself to those ideals & avoidance caused some suffering. Of constantly pressuring myself to “be this way” or to not do things simply out of fear or it resembling things I don’t want to remember. Of feeling guilty for ‘not doing things’ or ‘not walking towards this path’. Running away from what I thought was trapping me and just trapping myself again. Not acknowledging the emotions inside and giving it space to just be.

Is it impatience? Of wanting whatever is in our lives to get out and disappear quickly. Is it non-acceptance? Constantly disregarding the facts & reality at hand and just hoping, wishing for a btter outcome. Di satisfied at the present.

Regardless of everything… it will pass. As the clock continues to turn, the river of time flows, the days fade… this too, shall pass.

(Mon 21st June, 1:00am ish)

Strawberry road

Take me back

to Strawberry road.

Where the memories ran fresh

and life is sweet

where we don’t feel neglected

and glad to be alive.

Where guilt doesn’t haunt us

and our dreams are realised

The dandelions and sunflowers bloom

the mangoes are plucked

the sweet nectar of life

overflows in abundance

was it ever lost

in the days long past

or have we simply forgotten

what it feels like

to walk on that path

down

Strawberry road.

pride & the subjectivity of success

Just saw the Marty Friedman thing, about 10 things you should know before visiting Japan… (didn’t exactly watch it) I remember it was recommended to me on youtube a long time ago… and I kinda put it off as just “some random white guy visiting Japan & telling ‘what’s different'”. But he’s lived in Japan since 2003, so I can’t really complain. The experience of an established white guy, moving there (Jason, Marty) or somebody who breaks out “appealing” to foreigners (yabatan, dogen), is very different from a random immigrant moving there to get a better life.
Shit’s weird man. I think there’s still a lot of pride inside me… regarding feeling like I “know” the country & “deserved” to make it big & be “successful” (whatever the fuck that means)
(as much as I want to forget, move away, run away, redefine, there’s still a part of me inside that still sees making it big IN JAPAN (mainly Tokyo), fitting in, as successful)

Why? I don’t know.

Could be my pride. Could be not wanting my “hard work” to go to waste. The glasses I put on, not wanting to be stagnant & cling onto the only idea of success I had.

When you look back & realise, why are you still holding onto that sense of pride? It’s a constant push & pull… wanting to feel important & acknowledged “oh ho, I know what “Japan is like” hurr durr”, as well as trying to accept it wasn’t all good, and to move on from it. There were days where you were so lost… and it was fucking hard to get out of bed in the morning. When shit & life seemed so bleak, it was hard to continue.

Maybe it’s about wanting to feel important at the end of the day. Of being able to say “I conquered x or y”, “I have more knowledge about y or z”, whether that be living in a certain country, know the ‘ins and outs’ (whatever the fuck that means) of a certain topic, or having the pride of just “been there, done that, therefore I am IMPORTANT; ACKNOWLEDGE ME”.

Wanting to be seen by others, not as the colour of your skin, where you come from, or what you do… but for what you’ve conquered, how far you’ve come, who you are.

(All the times spent searching up X or Y, comparing yourself to them… “heh I know more Japanese than this person” or getting salty/frustrated/upset over somebody else who was less skilled/ less knowledgeable(?)/ less deserving(?????) find ‘success’ faster than you – that’s a slippery, slippery slope. Comparing others to yourself… will grant, bestow upon you great suffering.

Success – & comparing is a strange thing. Success, in all honesty is just straight up subjective. The only objective part about it is in our biology. If we just survive & pass on our DNA, that’s pretty much it. That’s the success that is imprinted into all living organisms.

But when the idea of success is constantly defined by the society around you (or a blind & un-doubtful acceptance is made), shit gets out of hand over time. In some ways, it’s not a bad thing being able to unite the people under a common goal, and push everyone towards the well being of a community. It’s definitely not a bad thing.

However, pushing those who question & search for different things aside, not nurturing them & forcing them to think otherwise, as well as creating a cycle of long lasting emptiness, only to benefit a certain group of people probably isn’t the way to go.

There are some people out there that genuinely believe that earning more money = more success, and they find happiness & fulfillment from that, and that’s okay. There are other people that believe tending to their garden, or inciting revolution to overthrow the system also gives them great joy. And that’s okay too. Shitting on one another for out beliefs (that are subjective by the way), isn’t exactly a healthy way to do things. We often times forget that deep down everybody is searching for the same things. To feel important, to be loved, to be recognized. To be seen, to be acknowledged.

One thing I think for many, (and even very, very often myself as well) is to realise, to notice, to remember it’s okay to not want to fit into that box of success. To have the courage to explore & constantly change, evolve & develop the definition of success. And to be okay with that. Not to let the expectations of others cut too deeply. But also remembering to not let the constant critic of your own expectations hurt you.

To give yourself the space to experience, learn, love, forgive, forget, regret, suffer, acomplish.

To give yourself the space to be.

Love & peace

(tuesday 16th June 2020, 23:50 ish?)

ego, frustration and the wish to feel important

Frustration… anger. A thing that I’ve been thinking about/ getting frustrated at recently is people with big egos.
People who are insecure, defend themselves to the very end/ even when they are straight up wrong. Insecure about themselves, not giving any shits about other people, putting protecting/ defending their egos as the highest priority, even when that shit harms others.

Using others as a way to boost their own egos, whether it be arguing for the sake of winning or “proving their point”, talking over others (loudly or just opinion all the time), only focusing on winning, feeling important (or greater than others by pushing them down), or being “right” until the very end. Even when it costs them relationships, friends, even to a certain extent their own happiness.

It makes me frustrated -> dealing with people like this. Complaining about how they have no friends/ can’t make any, when they’re constantly pushing other people away. (Sometiems even the ones that try to help them)

I think it’s pathetic, that you value your own ego, winning and ‘making’ yourself feel important so much, that you push away people, and then complain. It’s like dealing with a never ending echo chamber, that takes too much energy to deal with, and most of the time isn’t even worth the hassle.

But at the end of the day, these people are seeking the same things all of us are: to feel important, to be loved, to be recognized… and maybe I’m hating on them because their methods are different and I don’t agree with them.

We’re constantly chasing that feeling, to feel like we matter.
Winning or losing comes in handy when our lives are being threatened. Facing a predator or something that challenges our life. Winning or losing is kinda the outcome between life & death (unless the other end feels empathy/ sympathy & pity, in which all parties can get out living)

It also comes in handy when we’re met with an unknown… the will, the drive to win and challenge these unknowns is what allows us to keep improving ourselves & overcome challenges we never thought we had the ability to face.

(other than that, there really isn’t a need to “win”)

It could be that the things we detest in other people are the things we hate about ourselves.

I hate/ dislike/ detest the part of myself that constantly wants to win. To push down others in order to make myself feel better. Compare myself to others in order to feel significant (or at times make myself feel useless & insignificant).
To feel like if I don’t win, then I will not survive. I won’t be somebody important, I won’t be loved or I won’t be… acknowledged.

//////

The people who have made a profound impact our lives (called significant others)

Maybe it’s just us trying to appease them, to respond to the lingering feeling we don’t remember but still feel.

To redeem our younger selves. To “connect” and to feel better about the things we never achieved properly.

(Wednesday June 10th 2020, 17:25 ish)

pressuring oneself to be perfect or to achieve

Lying in bed, thinking stuff as per usual. The shit about Alex Banayan & Cal Fussman kinda came to mind. There was a lil bit of anxiety, of tightness in the chest towards it. Just remembering shit from The Third door, wanting to constantly push myself to meet people, to hustle, to adopt an identity.
It wasn’t just that I set my expectations too high. I gave myself too much pressure to be perfect. I think it kinda got implanted in my brain when Henry talked about private school kids giving themselves a lot of pressure. It’s kinda been in me for a long time. Thinking about Cal Fussman & how he was able to travel round, fuckin get housing. Of course the first thing that comes to mind is jealousy, envy.

“I wish I had the skill, the luck to do all these things” And the next thought is to immediately push myself down, “I don’t have the skills, I don’t have the balls”

And then create excuses.

“I don’t have the confidence”

“The times… the systems have changed”

“It’s just not for me”

I put a lot of pressure on myself, to be able to uphold the level of skill that other people have. Be able to talk to somebody as good as Cal Fussman. Draw as good as Claire. Photograph as well as Okuyama. Dance as good as Victor.

I think it’s brought a lot of suffering to myself. Comparing myself, expecting myself, pressuring myself. That if I wasn’t better than them, if I can’t do what they think is ‘simple’, then I’m just not good enough.

That’s not true.

You are good enough. (writing that made my heart uncomfortable, I wonder why ~~)

Skill is something that takes time.
It takes us experience, hardship, overcoming, and a whole bunch of other shit to learn & get better. The paths we take, the time it takes us to learn, input and understand things differ.

Being perfect, or even being skilled/REALLY good at something isn’t a requirement in life.

(chapter 90, pg 13 & 14 – translations by nitoryu)

Luffy said some good shit. He admitted that he would have died without his crewmates. That being strong is acknowledging that you can’t achieve everything by yourself. There will be other people better than you at shit. There will be things you can’t do.

And that’s not a problem.

You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have have to be highly skilled in many things. You don’t have to be the best. You don’t have to compare yourself to others.

It’s fine, to take your time to learn & understand things. And then if you struggle, cry, lament, regret,

So what? It’s a natural process.
The natural flow of life. There are sometimes, somethings, that don’t fit no matter what. That’s difficult, confusing and just what the fuck. And that’s okay.

In this moment, right now. Thinking about my own lack of skill, being unable to do things other people can (dance well, talk to other people well, draw and design well, not being brave enough, being unsure of shit)

現在, 我就是這樣

Acknowledge, actively accept the feelings inside.

That right now, I am uncomfortable, 不安, and a lil bit upset at myself for not getting over it, for not knowing sooner, for not know what the source of it is, for not know.

Not to, push the feelings aside.
To give it space to exist, to flow

to be.

Love & peace.

(Mon 8th June 2020 1:04 ish)