Something that I’m sacred of is just that I’ve “lost my edge”… not in the sense of skill or living or whatever… but rather my enjoyment for things. I think I question it every once in awhile… the things that once I had so much passion for, just kinda dwindled away… and that fire, not just that the fuel that upholds living becomes harder and harder to fuel, to upkeep. That the glaring, haunting, dooming feeling of… how long can I keep this up for? Because I don’t know if there is any sense of continuity, sustenance or stability in terms of enjoyment right now… of fuel of life. Maybe those things burned so much brighter… once before… that it felt like that fuel was never ending, that it was endless. That I lost that passion, was blunted and hurt… that those things don’t come as easy anymore and sometimes I’m not willing to take that leap, challenge or stand up for/to something.
Not exactly like “what once was” is lost forever,… rather than that I just feel like I’ve slowed down a lot from all that pain and torment, and I don’t feel like continuing sometimes.
Because I’ve written about this a few times already, I’m trying to avoid using the same terms/ way of explaining that I used before. Before, it would have been so much easier to ‘go for something’, to dedicate myself to it, without caring for other people and stuff… to rock my own thing (I’m trying to slowly find that kind of/ similar energy now), to just go my own way, disregard others and just streamline towards it. But that depressive period did change a lot. I don’t know what to say other than the fact that I feel a lot more blunt… something in between discouraged and just… it takes more to get me into the zone again (up for debate) and that for a lot of things, my enjoyment is harder to come by (I’m not too sure about this – cuz I don’t really do a lot of activities). It’s something like, I feel like I lost a part of myself, of something that isn’t exactly once was, but rather just empty.
Sometimes it’s just I get tired a lot more than before, and that I’m just not as passionate. Just brunt out. Not willing to expend all that much effort.
Just something missing, grief for what once was, losing something. Like the engine of life that once shone so brightly became weaker… that tungsten bulb just… became dimmer. From wear and tear, burnout, excess flow of electricity, I don’t know what the fuck. (A part of me is confused honestly, because I read some stuff about burnout and stuff like that, and it seems similar to that, but it seems weird to me, because I’ve hit it a few times, but same same but different each time (2016- video editing) (2019- photography) But I’m not even ‘established’ or been doing it for that long, so I have no fucking clue, (breaking too 2018-2020) it just is like… it just seems baffling to me. I am in no ways a professional, nor have I been doing it for a long time.)
“Something fundamental is holding me back” that thought honestly hasn’t been with me for awhile, it doesn’t strike me as hard… not sure if it’s because talking/acknowledging the parental stuff has helped me move forward a lil bit, but also that part of acknowledging and now that I do deserve something, I am actually decent/ good at what I do, I work hard and have worked hard… giving myself some credit, for my accomplishments, past and present (and you have proven that you are a fucking capable being, so there’s no need to worry)
Just sleep on it and wait abit to process it for abit I guess. You don’t gotta think about it or know how to answer it instantly. Take your time… 慢慢來
Love & peace
(15th Jan 2021)