One thin that I’m constantly paranoid about is connections -> and that’s kinda the thin that’s been on the back of mind forever, that I’m not making important connections right now (emotionally & creatively), that’s why I was so stuck up on it while I was there. But stuff just like… worries/ anxieties/ insecurities about about ‘will I be able to find the “right” connections (whatever that means) by x or y time?’ or ‘because of my upbringing/ personality & all that stuff, it’s so hard to not stay recused,’ & that scares me… that I won’t make any connections as I get older, and not just stray further from my dreams but also fade into irrelevancy (not like I was super relevant anyway).
I guess that was one of the things I worried about a lot when I was in college/ when I came back. That not knowing anybody (in whatever industry), I was fucking screwed, and I didn’t want to start all over again (that was overwhelming innit of itself) not just constantly grinding without honing my skill, but feeling I had to play a game which I didn’t know the rules to and felt like I was constantly on edge all the time… and just constantly feeling uncomfortable. I guess that’s also something that has been constantly pressing on the back of my mind -> the mix/worrying over the middle ground of, I need to rest, relax, reset, redo and fucking take it slow and, feeling like I need to do something, establish connections and to create to “not get left behind”. Because if I go on instagram it seriously “feels” that way. I guess not exactly that but rather… “am I doing anything worthwhile?” “am I progressing in a meaningful way?” I mean, I don’t want to rush anymore periodt. But at the same time there isn’t a gauge for one to determine progression anymore(?) (like there ever is for life OMEGALUL)
I mean… I am progressing in a “different” way compared to other people, but it’s just that when I ain’t used to it(?) or rather just kinda think about other ways of more ‘traditional’ progression, I feel a lot more insecure & stuck.
Maybe connections is something that I get stuck up on, it feels like a very high road bump, even though creating them isn’t exactly something that is ‘crossed over’ but rather just kinda comes over time… like an iceberg melting… slowly(?)
I guess one of the things that I am very insecure about is always wanting to “feel like I’m progressing” -> and it could possibly be something like ungrounded ground-ed-ness… in any way shape or form -> like.. I’m dealing with stuff right now, so it’s okay to not work on stuff, and it always comes back to whether I “”””need to”””” “””work””” on something. That it just makes me feel more secure if I’m “actively” “””doing”””” something. But at the end of the day, maybe it’s just being ok with… doing absolutely nothing, and taking it very slow… relaxing, and day by day (even the thoughts of “career” and “future” popped up while I was writing this), the standards & expectations I have to determine “progression” are very different now,,, but just… experiencing time, taking it day by day, cuz no life is ever gonna be filled with 100% life stimulation everyday… cuz that’s just straight overwhelming, not good for your body or your mind.
We don’t need to have life changing moments everyday. Those moments are rare, and they come every once in awhile… cherish them when they come.
Life is out there, and just take your time. Maybe it isn’t even about “life will wait for you or not”, but rather just LIVE BRO. EXIST, experience life (whatever that means), feel the sun, smell the flowers, feel the wind, smell the air, love somebody, love yourself, make mistakes, cry, laugh, smile, experience emotions, say nice things, learn things and just LIVE. Maybe it just be about that.
LOVE, AND PEACE YO
(Mon 15th Feb 2021, 20:23 ish)