I’m frustrated that I don’t remember all the things I talked about during my counselling meeting.
Maybe that’s just attachment- that you have to know how to react, how to be with, how to answer all the emotions right now. That frustration from small things shouldn’t exist or that should should always be perfect, run smoothly & you know how to execute it 100%
Sometimes it’s just about being able to take a step back. Take a minute to check in with yourself. What are the sensations, the things that I feel right now, in this moment?
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The initial thoughts about things, the ideals that we have, the things that spring into our minds once we see something. That initial reactionary thought.
We all have it, but we don’t have to immediately believe it.
人都會有, 不要馬上相信它.
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Shit about other people, about significant others. Acknowledging them as an individual, and they have their own limitations, and so do you. They’re not saying those things because they don’t love you or straight up hate you. It’s because the way that they think is right feels wrong to you… or they don’t know what you feel is right.
It’s not that they’re doing it on purpose… but rather they just don’t know how… they have their limitations.
Sometimes it’s strange yet so amazing. Humans are so insecure… with themselves and living. We have a plethora of problems, imperfections. limitations, and yet we still try to love. The amount of courage it takes to keep loving is insane. To keep improving, to keep learning, to keep progressing. Isn’t that already a lot…
With human beings having so many limitations… sometimes putting all that weight – of being a lover, a friend, a partner, a mentor, a confidant – it’s too much for a single person. Accepting that you yourself have limitations , that you aren’t perfect and need help with things…
There are other people out there who are better than you at somethings- that have the capability to fulfill the things you don’t have or don’t know how. (Like the thing luffy said – he can’t navigate, he can’t hold a sword, he can’t lie – and that he would be dead without his crewmates. )
當可以依賴很多人, 才是independent.
Just… 可以欣賞別人, 欣賞自己 for the things we’ve learned… the things we’re able to do and not do.
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I was talking about motivation & shit like that. How I get anxiety, feel anxious & frustrated about not doing anything… about not progressing – shit like having a career or getting a job…
And just the sens of drained-ness that I get from going outside. Of just “exploring” without any plan… Just going back to the first few months in Japan, where there was that 新鮮感, that I could just go downtown & just photograph shit, just explore & wander around. But that was really anxiety inducing. Just the tightness of the shoulders and thighs (from physical tiredness aswell as body tensing up). Just feeling so lost & having no sense of direction. (in real life & in life in general) How going outside reminds me of that sometimes. (Just rolling downhill into only going outside for counselling, food, interviews or anything scheduled. )
That sense of loneliness of drained-ness, of fear of the outside even is from the 陌生-ness of the outside growing up.
Feeling alone & trapped & scared growing up. Malaysia, Thailand, even Taiwan & Japan.
[Counselor] asked: what age is that feeling (of tightnes, of fear)
- I said 3-18… just that that feeling has been around for a long time
- that I wished for the child inside me to 被陪… to have someone there, to have that 親人感. To feel close, to have a confidant. To feel safe & secure.
Just… 陪那個小男孩．If you don’t know how to do it just think of yourself… how you would qwant somebody else to 陪 you (as a child)
會陪人家，but when will you 陪自己？
Just y’know. 我願意陪著我孤單的自己，我害怕的自己， 生氣的自己．．．
(Love & peace)
(Friday 3rd July 2020 – 1:38am ish)
