Felt strange today… had some wack ass sleep (partially due to the cat intruding in the morning, just wanting food and shit.) Woke up ~10 and just felt like shit. I also slept for ~2-3 hours (honestly I don’t remember), after lunch. And just felt pretty tired for the rest of the day.
The phase comes back every once in a while of “post doing something” “I have nothing to do, no structure” type feeling. Just turning to twitter/mangadex/webtoons/youtube, constantly back and forth during the day… and just feeling bored all the time. Just wanting something to occupy my mind and distract me.
Sometimes imagining scenarios or then questioning everything ~17:00 ish went for a walk and looked at the clouds & walked up the nice path… it felt good. Somethings I noticed – was still somewhat tight, especially walking past some people, was kinda focusing too much, even tunneling on photography and my own thoughts… somewhat not feeling present in the current moment. The more I concentrated on photography the more my thoughts shrunk in and became more detached to the scenery around me. I kinda feel bad… disappointed – in a sense of not wanting to run away from the present and scenery around me (and the point of going for a walk is to clear my mind and get out of my head), but also the conflict of not wanting to judge myself, or assign anything to the emotions…
Did take a few photos though, initially, just walking around with a camera made me feel like I was near the 川口 river (or whatever stupid ass river that was near where I lived) and just constantly searching for, looking for things to photograph.
Bought Bacon Ice Cream on Saturday, and it made me feel kinda riled, like the thoughts & grind heavy mindset came back. Of just wanting to catch up to him, of wanting to see things the same as him. Even wondering to myself… will I achieve the same level of success as him? The answer is honestly, I don’t know. Not even time will tell. The seasons will change the river of time will continue to flow.
All these thoughts/ emotions, just… giving it the space to exist. The fact that I would have been fucked under corona circumstances if it wasn’t for my parents… that independence is a strange thing… the things we wish we could do… the person we want to become… to hold on to these expectations or to let them go? These emotions/ thoughts/ ideas/ feelings… everything will continue to exist within us. Not suppressing it or ignoring it. Letting it just be… there… here. A vast amount of space, inside one’s heart, where everything has space to exist, and not be squished or neglected.
World is strange… and that’s okay. Sometimes, we don’t know the answers to things, or how to react. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you won’t know in the future, or that you’ll never know. Continuing to step forward, slowly. With courage… and an avid curiosity.
Love & peace.
(Monday 12th Oct 2020. 23:58 ish)