expectations, shame, loneliness

Arms are tight… neck is tight. Breathing is slightly blocked. Thighs are a lil bit tight, supporting my leg.

Emotions/ thoughts have been rushing through me lately. Not just the loneliness stuff, but feeling like I’m wasting away or on a timer. I guess in a sense it’s kinda like isolation. Not interacting with anybody outside a close circle, not discovering or experiencing anything now… just kinda stuck within myself… and it hurts.
(just writing that out made me realise it’s an expectation for myself. and I feel bad for “not” being able, not doing something.) The thought came in the shower, of it only took 1 year to get back to where I was. So scared of coming full circle again. Spending days just looking at my phone, waiting for manga updates, new videos, SOMETHING to keep me entertained. A new chance? A new opportunity? Something to come along, take me off my feet and save me? Maybe.

The feelings of guilt & shame do flow, exist within me. Not just for the not doing anything… but for all the idleness(?) the sense of… it’s all capable, you can grasp it… but yet why aren’t you trying? Why aren’t you pushing for the opportunities? I want to say I am… but I don’t know anymore.

Loneliness, isolation… a sense of disconnect… relying on other people? Everyday I’m just constantly on my phone… and sometimes even just waiting for messages to come. Constantly relying on the interactions of others to make myself feel better, just the smallest things. I don’t know if it’s shame, embarrassment or something flowing through me. The fact that I’m searching, craving that attention and love (which…. isn’t shameful), or that just feeling disconnected and out of it.

After editing the podcast yesterday… it was just emptiness. A kinda “what now?” feeling… awaiting the next small thing. I am worried to an extent that nothing will take off… and all of this time was for waste (which it isn’t) Just… breathe… not all the things, the feelings, the goals, the emotions you want will be fulfilled instantly. We can always “expect” ourselves to be a certain way, react a certain way, or immediately DO something. It’s okay to not know, to be unsure, not to be confused. Being broken is not a sin.

Just… continue to breathe. To give the feelings, the emptiness, everything, space. “Find a home in everything” (Hideaway – Jacob Collier)

Notice… 陪… be with… 共處 the sensations and feelings within you. You exist, and they will continue to exist aswell. The vastness of one’s heart , all that space within us. That we share, live in, occupy, exist, together.

Breathe… continue to feel the sensations flowing inside you… from the feet, through the quads and thighs, up the groin… in your stomach, chest and lungs, through the shoulders, arms, fingers, neck, head. Breathe.

Love & peace

(Wednesday 16th September 2020, 23:33 ish)

why did I never learn how to say I love you too someone?

or how to face my fears?

or how to be alone?

Why did I never learn how to be happy

or how to be loved

how to not feel so alone

or why do I feel so alone?

Why did I never learn how to make friends

how to maintain friends?

To be in a relationship?

To talk to girls.

Do I deserve to be alone?

Why is it so hard to be loved.

Why is it so hard to exist

to be happy

to be supported.

I just want to live

but not this way.

falling in place; continuing to live

Just finished reading hadomae… and wrote down my thoughts of it on the evernote file… it was pretty good. The part that kinda stuck with me was not the ending. But being reminded from my screenshot, that things feeling ” too good” means that it’s falling into place (of course it wasn’t 100% the case – as shit happened afterwards, but it all kinda fell into place and sailed along) made me wonder for myself… things have never felt “too good”, always “never good enough” the stability of self or the situation around would feel like it would have been comprimised.

Hadomae ch32 – translator unknown

Always kinda on alert, questioning oneself, or being paranoid of things going to disappear. Whether it be financial security or even just one’s mental state.

We as humans… will continue to live. To suffer, to thrive, to adapt and just continue living. Giving the emotions & sensations space… and just continuing to walk forward with courage & perceiving with an avid curiosity.

Was constantly checking my phone before (after writing the entry before this) Just hoping for somebody to reply, to make myself feel less lonely… to take me out of this pit of self loathing, discomfort, insecurity, un-safe, 不安 type feeling. For somebody to tell me that it’s okay, it’s always going to be okay. To reassure me, love me, acknowledge and appreciate me.

Still have thoughts of discomfort within me… judging these thoughts and wishing for it to disappear. Like with everything in life, this too, shall pass. The moments of self discover and enjoyment, of the crushing feelings of solitude. The life of ourselves and the loved ones around us. The feelings of sadness and lostness. It doesn’t mean never look forward or bathe in despair. But rather, simply exist… not attaching ourselves to any ideals or gripping to expectations.

That this too, shall pass.

Love & peace

(Thursday 8th September 2020, 2:03 ish)

loneliness in our hearts; giving space

I don’t know if it’s shame or embarrassment or something. Feeling isolated outside and inside, constantly seeking affection and friendships to quell those feelings down. Sometimes it’s feeling bad for myself when those moments of whoosh, of presence, of glad to be alive aren’t there…

Not just feeling isolated form my friends or the world around me – sometimes worrying to the point of “will it stay like this forever?” Seeing the success stories of artists going from sick bois & depressed to fully fledged, self sustaining and self-loving… makes me feel really fuckin bad.

There is a certain expectation for myself… not exactly to be okay with the loneliness. Expecting myself to not feel lonely I guess. Blaming myself… that the cause of all these faults, problems and insecurities is myself. That it is not the result of a complicated childhood and that these feelings are not valid… they don’t deserve to exist, let alone be acknowledged.

Constantly wanting to run away or suppress it. Texting other people or watching youtube videos or playing games.

(didn’t really realise it, but it’s taken many forms over the years.

When I played league, I was always hoping, always wishing for a group of people that I could play with. To connect and get close to… to not feel like I was alone.

Even that year in Japan… constantly wishing for somebody in the streets, in communities or just around me to reach out… to make myself not feel so isolated, so alone. The loneliness, the disconnect, the lack of direction… everything was crushing me. )

Like floating along, in a blurred air/space… everything is foggy, blinding, and you can’t see or feel anything. All you can do is struggle, and float away.

fumbling around, constantly trying to find something, somebody to ground you.

Maybe a part of it was not acknowledging, refusing to be with that feeling. Judging, treating, berating these emotions and oneself. That I don’t deserve happiness, success or love because I feel this way. Because I don’t know how to deal with it. Never gave it the space, the chance, the opportunity to exist. Always just seeking, somebody or something new, to push that feeling down. That when we don’t feel it, it’s gone.

Maybe, just opening the door a little bit. Welcoming it’s presence in our life, and heart. Having tea with it. That it exists within, is here, and will continue to stay. And that’s okay. Our hearts aren’t filled to the brim with torment and suffering. There is enough space, an infinitely expanding amount of space… for all these feelings and sensations to be.

Love & peace.

(Monday, September 7th 2020 – 18:01 ish)

demons

The demons were seen, but they can’t be touched.

So are they real?

They exist, but they are just seen.

Not an illusion, but not solid either.

Give it the space to exist. Say hi to it.

It can’t be touched, but it’s there. and will continue to do so.

At the end of the day, the sensations are just sensations.

Coexist with it, give it the space to exist, to just be.

(Friday, 28th August 2020)

dear future me

will you love me so,
for all the friendships lost
all the time spent crying
numb from the indifference I gave to myself
and onto others

for all those anxious breaths
in moments of solitude
the crushing of the weight of oneself on the world
and the imaginary world pushing back

the times spent insecure
outside and in
when the world was just a blur
of anomalies and dangers
when I couldn’t see so clearly
or even wanted see

even when all that was heard
would pass through and stew so clearly
or would disappear, into the land of trauma

when I could not go home
because home didn’t exist
short of breath, uncomfortable
even oneself

would you love me so

space baby

I just… don’t know. Sometimes it does feel like I’m not going anywhere… getting anywhere. Still in the same spot that I was before I was here.

Alone. Unsure. Not knowing. Self loathing and just empty. Not looking forward to anything and just…

a fetus in the vastness of space… wandering. Fearful of the emptiness and vastness. And not just not ready to take the first step. Scared to even move. That the bubble around him would collapse… and the world disappear.

Feeling shame that the bubble could not be stepped out of. Believing that it is one’s own fault, it was always his fault, that he couldn’t step out. No courage. No balls. Just a useless, shameful, existence.

Not just never amounting to anything. Squandered potential. Wasn’t worth loving. Didn’t deserve anything. Love, security, positivity, affection, gratitude.

Maybe it’s just the expectations we set for the people around us and ourselves. That we should be constantly happy and secure… hopeful and positive for those around use (that doesn’t mean negatively grabbing onto un-hopeful ideals and spite either) – that the expectations is what causes us to suffer. Gripping so tightly onto the idea that we want to be loved, appreciated, safe, secure, fulfilled, happy and flowing within the presence of life right now….

with everything in life, it shall pass. This too, shall pass. The sad moments, the dark clouds, the shining, dazzling, bright, fulfilling and happy ones too.

Seasons will change, the tides of time will continue to flow.

Giving oneself the space to just exist. That all the things inside, are a part of you, and will continue to be there. (Giving, physically imagining that space. An endless plain of acceptance and welcoming. Within one’s heart. Where all the refugees of life can come and stay. To grow, to live. To not be judged or purged. Contained, loved, secure and just being.

Continue to live with courage. To take each step slowly. To perceive and see with curiosity. Not immediately judging it to be good or bad. Taking it as it is.

Love & peace.

(Sunday, August 23rd 2020. 17:40 ish)

anxiety, lostness and tightness

feeling so lost – just being alone outside puts me to me verge of tears. I just wanna leave.
Just… 陪 that emotion, giving it space to exist. and to bee. to simple exist. to flow. not pushing it away or supressing it, just… giving it the space, allowing it to exist

hating myself for being awkward, of not knowing how to react or do things. not knowing how to socialize or to be nice or to understand or know how to 陪 the feelings inside of me. to not feel anxietic or to not be tight the entire time. or to not worry about what others think of me to not feel awkward to want to be recognized to feel like my existence matters to not aSsociate all these feelings with the past. to be saved to be loved to feel safe to feel comfortable.

to simply exist.

(Sunday 16th August 2020)

emptiness and space

Just been… feeling overwhelmed. With all these unknown feelings and sensations. A big wave of uncomfortable tightness in the heart, neck, feeling lumps inside. Like breathing takes effort and is hard. Just uneasy, unsure… waiting to move around but at the same time fearful(?)

I do feel…have thoughts of shame, embarrassment and uneasiness, when I think back to grounding or giving myself the thoughts, the sensations space. (I feel bad that that I’m not doing it)

That’s okay… just give those emotions space too. Just breathe. Breathe in… breathe out… and breathe in… close your eyes and feel the ground. The sensations from each of your toes… gripping into the ground… the sole of your feet supported by the Earth itself. The presence, the sensations in your body. Where is it. Tightness in the neck and in arms. In the chin too. Is there an opposite to that feeling? If so where is it? Just… noticing the sensations in your body… not pushing it away or suppressing it – that tightness, uneasy or uncomfortable feeling.

Giving the thoughts, the sensations space to exist. Like butterflies in an expanding, never capped jar. That you are loved… supported… appreciated and confined.

////

Just the emptiness feeling… not exactly that I’m doing nothing… but that the everyday feels so empty. Just constantly waiting for manga to pop up, or for a new youtube video… something to quench my thirst, but at the same time I feel some shame. There is feelings of shame and embarrassment inside me, from not being proactive. In creating things and just SOMETHING.

Maybe… it’s just the sensations of anxiety… arising from the lack of something. When that emptiness comes – fill it up with whatever, and anxiety was the first choice in the past.

It hurts… the feeling of tightness in my head… it’s uncomfortable. Trying to fit answers into that hole… wishing for the things learned to be a one size fits all and to be able to solve these thoughts… these sensations within myself.

(maybe… that’s something about giving space. That it’s not exactly a “solution” – but just… allowing it to exist. The painful, suffering parts of oneself. Not forcing it to disappear, or to extinguish. To say that “hey, it’s okay that you are within me, you are a part of me, I may not like you, but you are still a part of me. You are not all of me.” That sensations are sensations… and we as humans are contained.. with many different parts.

Just breathe… and continue to see things, outside and inside with curiosity (not immediately judging as good or bad… taking it slow) (愛心和耐性) and to continue walking with courage.

Love & peace

(thursday 13th August 2020, 23:03 ish)

grounding

feel the toes, planting into the ground…

the power, the presence from the Earth

Life itself flowing upwards slowly

from the ankle… to the quads, up through the thighs

notice that feeling.

Is it tight… is it soft?

Is it hot or is it cold?

Where else are sensations arising in your body?

The blood flowing into the fingertips.

Tightening… sinking feeling of the heart.

Shoulders tightening and rounding in.

Take a deep breath &

notice… feel that presence once again.

and just….

give it the space to exist

and let it be.

(love & peace)

(Tuesday 4th Aug 2020 – 2:17 ish)