Arms are tight… neck is tight. Breathing is slightly blocked. Thighs are a lil bit tight, supporting my leg.
Emotions/ thoughts have been rushing through me lately. Not just the loneliness stuff, but feeling like I’m wasting away or on a timer. I guess in a sense it’s kinda like isolation. Not interacting with anybody outside a close circle, not discovering or experiencing anything now… just kinda stuck within myself… and it hurts.
(just writing that out made me realise it’s an expectation for myself. and I feel bad for “not” being able, not doing something.) The thought came in the shower, of it only took 1 year to get back to where I was. So scared of coming full circle again. Spending days just looking at my phone, waiting for manga updates, new videos, SOMETHING to keep me entertained. A new chance? A new opportunity? Something to come along, take me off my feet and save me? Maybe.
The feelings of guilt & shame do flow, exist within me. Not just for the not doing anything… but for all the idleness(?) the sense of… it’s all capable, you can grasp it… but yet why aren’t you trying? Why aren’t you pushing for the opportunities? I want to say I am… but I don’t know anymore.
Loneliness, isolation… a sense of disconnect… relying on other people? Everyday I’m just constantly on my phone… and sometimes even just waiting for messages to come. Constantly relying on the interactions of others to make myself feel better, just the smallest things. I don’t know if it’s shame, embarrassment or something flowing through me. The fact that I’m searching, craving that attention and love (which…. isn’t shameful), or that just feeling disconnected and out of it.
After editing the podcast yesterday… it was just emptiness. A kinda “what now?” feeling… awaiting the next small thing. I am worried to an extent that nothing will take off… and all of this time was for waste (which it isn’t) Just… breathe… not all the things, the feelings, the goals, the emotions you want will be fulfilled instantly. We can always “expect” ourselves to be a certain way, react a certain way, or immediately DO something. It’s okay to not know, to be unsure, not to be confused. Being broken is not a sin.
Just… continue to breathe. To give the feelings, the emptiness, everything, space. “Find a home in everything” (Hideaway – Jacob Collier)
Notice… 陪… be with… 共處 the sensations and feelings within you. You exist, and they will continue to exist aswell. The vastness of one’s heart , all that space within us. That we share, live in, occupy, exist, together.
Breathe… continue to feel the sensations flowing inside you… from the feet, through the quads and thighs, up the groin… in your stomach, chest and lungs, through the shoulders, arms, fingers, neck, head. Breathe.
Love & peace
(Wednesday 16th September 2020, 23:33 ish)