now, present and worry

The realest thing that is, is the present moment, the current state that you’re in. The thing that you’re doing literally right now.

Focus, there in on the now. Problems, suffering and all that are caused by turning away from that.


when your mind wanders off, and the egoic mind takes control, it focuses on the things that would be, or “was”. It’s much easier to run away and focus on “ifs” rather than to recognize the present, which is strangely ironic, because we as humans crave recognition, but don’t really need it.

Human relationships are weird. It’s something biological, programmed, evolved into us. It’s something that is not exactly required, but highly highly highly, highly highly highly recommended. Without it we really go crazy.

It’s not just mutual… it’s….progressive? 2 or more people come together not only to create & add to each other, but add to something more, share and benefit each other AND the people they have yet to meet.

Many things have yet to be discovered, or they already have… who knows. There is no point in getting caught up over stupid shit. It’s not just a waste of your mental space, but also, life’s too short to be complaining or worrying

You never know when you’ll be gone, or when your loved ones will be gone.

love & peace (doubt the doubt, no regrets, world peace and make the thing please)


when are you gonna let yourself be happy?

when are you gonna wait for yourself?

when are you gonna forgive yourself?

when are you gonna accept yourself?

why not now?
why not now.

life is so short but so long

(28th nov 2019, thursday, while talking to a friend)


Beating yourself up is a form of running away. There’s nothing you can do but to focus & to live in the present moment, in the now.

Because there is nothing but the now.

All the times where you wish you were different, or thought you were “better than this” or lament about the past. That shit doesn’t exist anymore. In a sense, it’s just an excuse for you to run away, to avoid confronting the present.

I was like that, and still am. Constantly thinking about the past or what I want to be in the future, that I neglect the present.
That ultimately, what’s realest is the step I’m currently taking on the walk/ travel that is life.

When you are on a journey, it certainly is helpful to know where you are going or at least the general direction in which you are moving, but don’t forget: The only thing that is ultimately real about your journey is the step that you are taking at this moment. That’s all there ever is.”

Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now)

It’s easy to forget, but if you just pause and take a deep breath. Look around and appreciate what’s around you. The time it took for the mountains to form. The people who live opposite you… and the knowledge they posses, that you won’t ever know. Even the plants next to you… the time it took for them to evolve into this state, and what they do, just to live.

(you know, cats, dogs, bears, gorillas, plants, they for sure don’t give any shits about their future or their past. They’re out here livin’.)

So really, don’t worry about anything. (Because there literally isn’t anything worth worrying about.)

Just take a deep breath, look around you… and appreciate life, for what is.

doubt the doubt
no regrets
love and peace.

anger, control and ehhhhhhhh

Being in KL/ malaysia really has reignited some of anger inside of me. I guess it’s not just a habit tied to the environment, but how I react to it innit of itself.

It honestly reminds me of feeling powerless, lack of control, and the only thing I can really do is to be angry at it. It’s not just the non-freedon of movement, bht everything innit of itself. From the way that people talk, how they treat you, the lifestyle & how people view life. To me, it perpetuates a cycle of feeling like I’m worthless and won’t become anything. I wany to get out of here ASAP because I don’t want these feelings to last.
I think it took me a long time to get out of this mindset & to discover that I was of value as a human, I have the power to do (almost) anything, and that we all have a life worth living. The world seems small here, very small. Not as in a tightly knit community, but as a very narrow frame of mind, inescapable feeling type shit. (honestly, just being here makes me feel unbelievably grateful for the life I have/ had in Taipei & Tokyo, it’s easy to not take it for granted when you’re living in it, but once you take a step out & see/ experience somewhere you don’t want to go back to)

Getting/ learning that there is much more to this world. That there are people who are vastly different from you, but will be willing to accept you, that it’s not about us v.s them or me v.s you, it’s just about us. Dance, art, communication, all of these things exist and connect us all, regardless of upbringing, what language you speak or where you come from.

I don’t feel the 広さ of life (maybe that’s just me tho)I feel like there’s a lot of complacency. Of just “things are this way, and we can’t do anything about it.”I thibk honestly, deep down inside I just don’t want to feel un-empowered anymore. To feel like I don’t have control, possesion of my future and worthless. (it does worry me that my mood takes a heavy 180 and it feels hard to bounce back, pulling away from the person I want to be and what I “am”)

But that control does exist, regardless of where you are or who you’re around. You just gotta remember, (or re-re-re-remind yourself)

Believe in yoself, keep going & just experience life my dude 

Love & peace.

(journal entry from 19th Nov 2019 (Tue) (21:22 ish))

struggling ing ing

I feel like, it’s not that I don’t have a need to write in the notebook anynore, just that my thoughts aren’t all over the place as much anymore.

I was gonna overthink something but I just kinda caught myawlf & stopped. we’re gonna forget aloof shit in life, that’s ok. We’re an experience & culmination of everything around us. So no matter how small, it’s still a part of us.

Life is grand, and honestly…

I feel happy right now. I’m grateful for the family around me,(biological and not biological) I’m grateful to be alive and living each day freely. Worrying about a lot less shit in life, but yeah. Sometimes, when being inside for too long & just being by myself… it feels like shit. I feel worthless & small. It’s not about feeling big or seeking that validation, but being around the ones you love & doing the things that you love.

Life ain’t perfect, you ain’t perfect, but that’s okay.

We’re all gomna struggle in life, you don’t gotta do it alone.

make the thing; world peace

feeling inadequate

social media sucks

all you do is just compare yourself to others

we do it to ‘survive’

but not to survive in this day and age

just to fit in

you just feel like shit

with everything going on in the world right now

it doesn’t just make you lose hope

makes you lose yourself (not eminem style tho)

fuck capitalism lol

the past and shit

Imagine all the people ~~

You know life is this grand old ass thing (in terms of the Earth, not really actually), but there’s just so much shit going on that we’re always hella overloaded.


Feeling you have no time doesn’t mean you have no time.

Feeling you are ugly doesn’t mean you are ugly.

Feeling anxious doesn’t mean you need to be anxious.

Feeling you haven’t achieved enough doesn’t mean you haven’t achieved enough.

Feeling you lack things doesn’t make you less complete.

Matt Haig (Notes on a nervous planet)

I wish I could have said these things to my past self. I was real worried about being incomplete, that I hadn’t achieved enough in life, that I was a nobody, and deserved nothing. I’m glad I found it now. Thank you to all the people I’ve met, ever (it’s a long list, hard to fit everyone). Thank you to myself. Thank you to the small cat scratcher/bed thing.

I was really caught up in feeling bad/shit about myself for “not doing anything”, you know things take time and you gotta do your time. There’s no point in worrying about things, it’s not that they’re gonna be unsolved forever.

Give as much time as it takes.

Show up, make the thing.

Love, peace, gratitude, forgiveness.

doing something

these past few days/weeks have been okay. I haven’t been overthinking as much (although there is alot of time spent inside).

there’s always that feeling from the bottom of my heart

“why aren’t you doing something?”
“why aren’t you using your time well?”
“you’re wasting your time.”

sometimes I don’t know if it’s in good faith or not. sometimes it feels like I’m genuinely running away from my problems. I’m not sure anymore.

one thing I’ve been consistently telling myself is that as long as you walk forward, you’ll get somewhere eventually. having that courage to take a step forward…no matter how unsure the future.

hopefully I’m doing that

make the thing; world peace.

overthinking + photography

Looking at some of 奥山’s stuff. It makes me reminisce?
I’m still stuck in my own head, even if I think I’m not. It’s not just that but some kind of lonely type shit. I guess not going outside regardless of where you are is the thing.

I was worried because the photographs I’ve been “creating” have all felt very lonely & distant. and even when I am with people it may feel that way too(?) I am close with people, but I guess there’s a heart distance that I have too. But I don’t think it’s either person’s fault… rather I’m not opening my heart to the outside.

One of the only habits I have right now is just being a box… just open but feeling empty, hoping to be pacced.

Photography & art in general is great, it ain’t about living with the fervor of life as before because even I don’t know what the fuck I was feeling. Just gotta do what you love and spending time with the people you love.

Not letting the thoughts/ way of thinking or the expectations carry you.
But the things you do & the feelings… & something unspoken carry you. Not overthinking it.

Just enjoy life and really… let yourself enjoy it and be happy. Doubt that doubt yo.

no regrets

(and also world peace)

(journal entry from 7th nov 2019; 18:30 ish)