some current feelings

I feel angry, sad, dissapointed, ashamed all at the same time. This is definitely a deja vu feeling of when I was in Tokyo, feeling that going outside won’t help, staying inside won’t or talking to family. That nothing is working and nothing will work. The year in retrospect was ok. Improved alot, fucked up alot… I’m just in a low place right now.

I feel like shit and hate myself for not trying harder.

I feel like shit for not doing the “things” (how vague) that I wanted to.

I feel like shit for not spending time with friends and not developing relationships with the only people that I truly care about.

I feel like shit for distracting myself, constantly running away from my problems.

I feel like shit for ruling myself with fear and pretending like everything was alright.

I want to help myself, but saying is different from doing.

what do I do? I feel scared, lonely, alone, isolated and, can’t even help myself.

///////////

When I look at myself now, I just cry. What’s changed? I’m still alone, depressed, crying in my room. Scared of the future and hoping things will change.

They have changed, a lil bit. You’ve improved. You have people around you who care, you’ve gone outside, met with friends, talked with people, improved spiritually, mentally and somewhat physically. You’re not constantly fearing for your life everyday, beating yourself up over what to do next. You can eat enough everyday, people around you care and love you. You can still dance. You’re not constantly living in a dirty ass place. The city is (mostly) safe. The lows are lower, and less consistent.

There has been improvement

(31st dec 2019, 18:30 ish, stay safe, keep trying and walking further. love & peace)

letting go

When will you let go?

The shackles of your heart

weighing you down

sinking constantly

the feeling of something

of loneliness

of isolation

of fear.

When will you let go?

and set yourself free.

(27th dec 2019, 23:04 ish)

communicate

Are we having conversations or are we just pretending?

shouting, until we agree

Are we even talking? Or communicating anything.

Or are we just screaming at nothing and pretending to understand

to get along

just because it’s convinient.

Does what I say make sense?

or are you even listening?

Is what I say worth it?

or should I just go away?

The sky is blue.

(27th december, 2019. 22:57 ish. have a safe holiday season, and life y’all. love & peace.)

waiting, overthinking, stuck, AH

I feel like I’m constantly waiting for something, for somebody to happen.

I don’t know if it’s anxiety or not. But the little moments (just today) have become alot less… worthwhile? Just, not as grateful or happy about them.

I definitely know for sure this is the feeling I had while I was in Tokyo, skipping school. (as coloured/tinted as the memory is)

Constantly on edge, feeling like there’s something constantly blocking my heart, unable to calm down or feel at ease.

I feel alone and isolated from the people around me. Going outside, staying at home, sitting in the park. I feel on edge and out of place.

Is it being stuck in my head? Giving myself too much pressure to interact & to do something? Or feel like running away from problems I don’t even know what is.

(definitely overthinking)

depression

Depression is like flying

or floating in the universe

Having no tether, no ground.

passing through the vacuum, the vastness

of space.

It’s like flying in the air

but never landing

Hoping to find somewhere

but not knowing where you are.

Hoping to land somewhere.

(poem from 8th dec 2019, 22:05 ish)