some current feelings

I feel angry, sad, dissapointed, ashamed all at the same time. This is definitely a deja vu feeling of when I was in Tokyo, feeling that going outside won’t help, staying inside won’t or talking to family. That nothing is working and nothing will work. The year in retrospect was ok. Improved alot, fucked up alot… I’m just in a low place right now.

I feel like shit and hate myself for not trying harder.

I feel like shit for not doing the “things” (how vague) that I wanted to.

I feel like shit for not spending time with friends and not developing relationships with the only people that I truly care about.

I feel like shit for distracting myself, constantly running away from my problems.

I feel like shit for ruling myself with fear and pretending like everything was alright.

I want to help myself, but saying is different from doing.

what do I do? I feel scared, lonely, alone, isolated and, can’t even help myself.

///////////

When I look at myself now, I just cry. What’s changed? I’m still alone, depressed, crying in my room. Scared of the future and hoping things will change.

They have changed, a lil bit. You’ve improved. You have people around you who care, you’ve gone outside, met with friends, talked with people, improved spiritually, mentally and somewhat physically. You’re not constantly fearing for your life everyday, beating yourself up over what to do next. You can eat enough everyday, people around you care and love you. You can still dance. You’re not constantly living in a dirty ass place. The city is (mostly) safe. The lows are lower, and less consistent.

There has been improvement

(31st dec 2019, 18:30 ish, stay safe, keep trying and walking further. love & peace)

communicate

Are we having conversations or are we just pretending?

shouting, until we agree

Are we even talking? Or communicating anything.

Or are we just screaming at nothing and pretending to understand

to get along

just because it’s convinient.

Does what I say make sense?

or are you even listening?

Is what I say worth it?

or should I just go away?

The sky is blue.

(27th december, 2019. 22:57 ish. have a safe holiday season, and life y’all. love & peace.)

waiting, overthinking, stuck, AH

I feel like I’m constantly waiting for something, for somebody to happen.

I don’t know if it’s anxiety or not. But the little moments (just today) have become alot less… worthwhile? Just, not as grateful or happy about them.

I definitely know for sure this is the feeling I had while I was in Tokyo, skipping school. (as coloured/tinted as the memory is)

Constantly on edge, feeling like there’s something constantly blocking my heart, unable to calm down or feel at ease.

I feel alone and isolated from the people around me. Going outside, staying at home, sitting in the park. I feel on edge and out of place.

Is it being stuck in my head? Giving myself too much pressure to interact & to do something? Or feel like running away from problems I don’t even know what is.

(definitely overthinking)

depression

Depression is like flying

or floating in the universe

Having no tether, no ground.

passing through the vacuum, the vastness

of space.

It’s like flying in the air

but never landing

Hoping to find somewhere

but not knowing where you are.

Hoping to land somewhere.

(poem from 8th dec 2019, 22:05 ish)

3am.

I look at myself in the mirror

“I love you more than anything,

I just don’t want to lose you”

but those aren’t the words I say

to myself.

I lie down, without showering

Not hoping to not sleep,

but hoping that tomorrow doesn’t come.

(7th December 2019, 3am ish poem)

lonely and SHIT

It’s much easier just to complain, to wallow in one’s sadness, feel sorry for oneself & just be afraid of life.

I’ve definitely felt that recently, it’s not just power-less-ness & overthinking, but also just not trying to improve myself.

Friendships & relation-ships are something mutual. You gotta put in effort to maintain it. And that really goes for anything in life, there’s gonna be stuff that you gotta put effort into.

It’s soooooo much easier to get caught up in “I’m not gonna do anything worthwhile”, dreaming & losing yourself in the possibilities of what ifs, making excuses for yourself and beating yourself up.

Being cooped up inside & feeling lonely is something that follows me, I thought that it was an environmental thing, but only so much of that follows you. I don’t think I put enough effort into maintaining my relationships & doing the things I love. (then again, who does). I’m scared of the future, when I think about it. I wish I could do “more” with less effort… there are alot of things I wish for. (But there is really no point in feeling sorry for myself, just forgive and move on.)

Being cooped up inside and crying about the relationships I don’t have, things not doing, things I wish I did before & just giving up.
When really the simple solution is just to start and keep going, no matter how small. (Also catching yourself when you fall).

Accepting that the ups and downs are a natural part of life, and there’s no point in getting angry or sad over it. Just gotta make the highs worth it/enjoy it… and catch yourself when you fall.

It’s ok to be sad and upset. Over people not replying, over not doing anything, over feeling alone. The worse-r thing is to let that shit stew into a disgusting soup.

Just go outside, walk for abit and listen to some music.

(And if you do really think about it, there’s nothing to be upset about. There are plenty of good things to happy & grateful about.
The family & friends you already have, the things you get to do, the things you’ve done & the things you’ve yet to do. Yes, the future is scary and time is fleeting. You’ve come so far, why not keep going? It’s definitely worth it.)

Love & peace.

worry, loneliness & the present

Life is great. (As always I guess.) Right now I’m just sitting at home, listening to Her’s, scanning negatives and drinking coffee. Life is pretty peaceful when you focus in on the present & really nothing else.

Just living, and being grateful for the things around us.

Yes, lately I have been feeling more lonely, but in a different way. Those feelings honestly go away real fast when I get to just spend time with someone. We love to overthink when we’re alone, the void in our mind is suddenly realised and we feel like we need something to fill it up, to make us feel whole again.

But in reality, it’s ok to not feel “whole” because we’re all really like that. Maybe that’s just how we are biologically, always wanting the next thing, always wanting more.

Maybe it’s the paradox of “not enough is enough”, that feeling whole, and feeling enough is by accepting that we are all not whole, and continually searching for something. It isn’t about complacency, it’s accepting the present, taking responsibility for it and moving forward.

Talking to people, especially the ones you love and doing the things you love to do, pulls you back down to earth. It takes you out of the reality of your mind and back into the present. And you realise that, there isn’t anything more real than the now.

Take your time, and believe in yourself.

Love and peace