some current feelings

I feel angry, sad, dissapointed, ashamed all at the same time. This is definitely a deja vu feeling of when I was in Tokyo, feeling that going outside won’t help, staying inside won’t or talking to family. That nothing is working and nothing will work. The year in retrospect was ok. Improved alot, fucked up alot… I’m just in a low place right now.

I feel like shit and hate myself for not trying harder.

I feel like shit for not doing the “things” (how vague) that I wanted to.

I feel like shit for not spending time with friends and not developing relationships with the only people that I truly care about.

I feel like shit for distracting myself, constantly running away from my problems.

I feel like shit for ruling myself with fear and pretending like everything was alright.

I want to help myself, but saying is different from doing.

what do I do? I feel scared, lonely, alone, isolated and, can’t even help myself.

///////////

When I look at myself now, I just cry. What’s changed? I’m still alone, depressed, crying in my room. Scared of the future and hoping things will change.

They have changed, a lil bit. You’ve improved. You have people around you who care, you’ve gone outside, met with friends, talked with people, improved spiritually, mentally and somewhat physically. You’re not constantly fearing for your life everyday, beating yourself up over what to do next. You can eat enough everyday, people around you care and love you. You can still dance. You’re not constantly living in a dirty ass place. The city is (mostly) safe. The lows are lower, and less consistent.

There has been improvement

(31st dec 2019, 18:30 ish, stay safe, keep trying and walking further. love & peace)

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