shame, guilt

Sometimes, (maybe too often), I feel shameful for my current situation. For not doing anything, for feeling like I’m not progressing… and that’s pretty much about it. I feel guilty for the same things too.

In reality, there’s not alot to feel shameful about, then why is it such a big part of my mind?

A certain part of it is the expectations that I have for “myself”, that I should be X or Y.

“healthy”

“happy”

“not feeling like I hate myself everyday”

These things don’t really exist, there isn’t a strict guideline in our life, or a certain way that we have to live it, then why do I feel shame?

Is it the way that I want others to see me? Do I feel shame for not living up to others’ expectations (which there are none), or do I care too much about what others’ think?

At the end of the day, none of these things matter, or exist really. Don’t beat yourself up over something you haven’t done, or done in the past. The way others perceive you doesn’t matter. Just live, and be. (Sometimes the expectations you have for yourself are just a construction for the ego to survive, to have an “”identity””)

love and peace.

getting caught up in the small things

Recently it’s been okay. Was dancing w/ yuki and daniel on Saturday & I didn’t feel so good. I guess with the many things in life (even when it comes down to writing down my dreams/ blogs/ advice & all that shit), I still “expect” myself to fulfill a certain threshold, whether it be self expressing or being able to “do”, something… I just gotta learn to let go. Because it ain’t about fulfilling a check mark, or having expectations on being somebody. You just be.

I’ve been really caught up in the small things. The tiniest human interactions I’ve had, not writing in shit or just things that don’t matter. Getting caught up in what other people think about others or how I want to perceive myself. What’s “integrity” or the “things that I want to do”. Losing your mind in these things… at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter.

I’ve forgotten (and just need to remind myself as many times as needed), to just appreciate the living moment, the present. That being alive is already 幸福 enough….

It’s okay to get caught up, to get lost… it happens to all of us.

Just take a deep breath, and keep on moving

(love and peace)

perspective, tunnel vision and letting it go

It honestly is being able/ getting to hangout with people, dance & talk is a great feeling. There honestly isn’t much to worry about when you’re just dancing & taking life 1 step at a time, having fun.

After talking to David, it really felt like there is no need to rush & to tunnel vision/ see things in a certain way. Having that stubborn, closed minded way of percieving things isn’t exactly healthy (or isn’t healthy at all.) You just gotta let things be and let ot play out, chasing after the next thing & thinking about what next to achieve, but doing the things you love, see what’s around you, and taking it day by day.

No rush.

I guess the way I percieved things (even shit like capoeria or budhism or dance event & studio), I was really closed minded on what it should be and “it has to be this way” I should (and will) just let things go and let it be. Rather than chase something, spriting… Relax, and let things happen. Patience… I guess.

Love & peace.