discontent, and the future

Lately there’s been alot of discontent, looking at twitch & youtube, how the environment & competitive-ness. It honestly feels super wrong… and the overall direction isn’t going that well. But then again there are others who don’t give a fuck and just do what they love… and enjoy it along the way. I guess that’s just something I’ve been forgetting, tunnel visioning on the smaller things in life, focusing on “creating content”, while really not enjoying things.

Alot of focus on “what will I enjoy”, while actually not going out and enjoying anything. Worrying so much about the end product, that I forget the most important thing(s), to just relax and enjoy life.

When you just get super caught up in the stupid shit, worrying about what you want to do for the rest of your life, when you can’t even see a meter ahead of you in the foggy shit that is your future.

There’s no point in being mad over stupid shit like others’ circumstances, the circumstances of the world, and future… (sometimes you gotta worry about it) I’m already lucky enough to be alive.

Getting mad at yourself for not doing anything, or getting mad at society, isn’t the solution for this. It just creates a perpetual cycle of hate, blaming and creating barriers inbetween yourself, and each other.

The more pressure you put on yourself, the tighter it;s gonna be. One day, it’s gonna snap. The more you expect yourself to “be happy” or to be “x or y”, “sane” “not sad”, the tighter your body and mind becomes. Just let it all go. You don’t have to be any way. Just…be.

Sometimes it’s hard to let go, it might (or will) take some time. Forgive yourself for making mistakes,

forgive yourself for the self-beat ups, forgive yourself for the past, present and the future. It’s ok to just… be

love & peace.

not knowing

There is a deep sense of shame/ fear that comes from the future, I had a lil’ bit of trouble falling asleep last night because of it. Before I slept I was thinking about “what do I do?” and “am I really doing what I want to do?”… a sense of being stagnant & idle has popped up recently & I’ve (past and present tense) been kinda beating myself up over it.

A sense of failure that I’m not pursuing anything or not doing anything “worthwhile”, while it’s easy to compare yourself to others, it’s also easy to say that these things don’t have any basis. (in the fact that what’s worthwhile is subjective.)

Rushing into things doesn’t help either. it’s just that the feeling of heaviness in my heart has gotten heavier… and that’s something I definitely want to avoid.

I think it comes from beating myself up over not knowing. Not knowing how to react/ properly deal with the emotions inside of me, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, what to write or anything.

It makes me feel like I should be punishing myself, when not knowing is just a part of the human agenda. It’s natural to not know what to do, how to deal with emotions. Those things come over time, lots of time. No point in rushing it.

Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing… just accept the fact that you don’t know, and you don’t have to know. Things can be learned.

(Then again the feeling I have now is that the repressing of the stress is only temporary, but pretty much everything in life is like that.

Just… breathe in, and remember something you are grateful for. A place, a person, music, food, anything.

Think about the vastness of the world, the experiences and individuality of the people around you… the time flowing and the ever-changing environment around us.

Just loops in the escape velocity yo.

And remember the embraces, the good times you’ve had in your life. With friends, with family, your loved ones.

And let go of the spite, suffering, anger, frustration towards others and yourself in your heart,

and just breathe.

A small part of the loop, the circle that is life.

So small, yet so real.

Life is vast, and there are things that you won’t be able to comprehend.

But regardless of everything, tomorrow will come.

Love & peace.