not knowing

There is a deep sense of shame/ fear that comes from the future, I had a lil’ bit of trouble falling asleep last night because of it. Before I slept I was thinking about “what do I do?” and “am I really doing what I want to do?”… a sense of being stagnant & idle has popped up recently & I’ve (past and present tense) been kinda beating myself up over it.

A sense of failure that I’m not pursuing anything or not doing anything “worthwhile”, while it’s easy to compare yourself to others, it’s also easy to say that these things don’t have any basis. (in the fact that what’s worthwhile is subjective.)

Rushing into things doesn’t help either. it’s just that the feeling of heaviness in my heart has gotten heavier… and that’s something I definitely want to avoid.

I think it comes from beating myself up over not knowing. Not knowing how to react/ properly deal with the emotions inside of me, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, what to write or anything.

It makes me feel like I should be punishing myself, when not knowing is just a part of the human agenda. It’s natural to not know what to do, how to deal with emotions. Those things come over time, lots of time. No point in rushing it.

Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing… just accept the fact that you don’t know, and you don’t have to know. Things can be learned.

(Then again the feeling I have now is that the repressing of the stress is only temporary, but pretty much everything in life is like that.

Just… breathe in, and remember something you are grateful for. A place, a person, music, food, anything.

Think about the vastness of the world, the experiences and individuality of the people around you… the time flowing and the ever-changing environment around us.

Just loops in the escape velocity yo.

And remember the embraces, the good times you’ve had in your life. With friends, with family, your loved ones.

And let go of the spite, suffering, anger, frustration towards others and yourself in your heart,

and just breathe.

A small part of the loop, the circle that is life.

So small, yet so real.

Life is vast, and there are things that you won’t be able to comprehend.

But regardless of everything, tomorrow will come.

Love & peace.