Sometimes your biggest critic is yourself, and sometimes that mothafucka doesn’t shut up.
Been slightly feeling it… that not reading/ not talking/ not writing/ not DOING makes me feel a lil bit guilty & unhappy. When I feel like I’m constantly “doing” and progressing (meeting people & catching up/ writing… I feel like the burden is lifted off my heart). Of course, in that moment, there is nothing more important than the thing you’re facing.
Maybe it’s just noticing, that being & thinking are separate things. The expectations, things we want to do, thoughts inside our head going wild, are different from what our inner goals are. Constantly search for something to shut ourselves up. Whether it is proving others wrong and justifying the thoughts in our mind, constantly searching for something to fill up that void (and maybe even trying to make ourselves feel big and important in the process).
Although the way we think and how we act are different… they are connected yet separated. Our bodies understands and reacts (to emotions, memories) whether we actually remember them or not.
Maybe freeing ourselves or just being is like that. Noticing the thoughts in our mind, not pushing them away, suppressing them, directly reacting, running away, just noticing it. Noticing how our body reacts to the raw emotion. And just giving it that space to flow…. to be.
(Haven’t really been giving myself that space… the minor emotions inside of me have just been building up. Whether that be guilt, frustration, disappointment, discontent, excitement) Sometimes it might spill out in anger, frustration, but I’ve just been suppressing it. (Although I did try to notice the frustration & disappointment & annoyance when playing Dota today, so yaaaay, proud boi)
Y’know…. just continuing to say. Anger is a valid emotion… sometimes there are things that you can’t do, and it’s perfectly normal to get frustrated over it. Don’t try to suppress it, or run away from it. Notice it, give it the space to be.
It goes for everything really. The guilt from not reading/writing, from not “doing” anything (ie: progressing on “work” -> which is basically nothing), the fear of the future, from past memories (yay university)
The frustration from not knowing – how to deal with stupid people, how to deal with the future, how to deal with a lack of skill, how to deal with these emotions, how to live.
It’s okay to take it slow. There are always more tomorrows.
Whatever you do, whatever you choose. Just take a step forward.
Slowly, but surely
Love & peace.
(Sunday 31st May 2020 – 00:55 ish)