existing

There’s a lot of things I’m constantly pondering over. Things I’m feeling inside that I’m really worried & unsure about.

Thinking about not professing/ not working/ not “doing” anything… maybe the sensations are just reactions… to old memories, old times. Associating towards a past event, that made me feel a certain way. Maybe from others, saying shit like: if you’re not doing x or y then what are you doing… the feelings of shame and discomfort from those times… those words triggering something in by brain -> and then it immediately associates and reacts.

(thinkin bout the doubleu and jason, billy interviews too)

Also just like… 共處 with that distraught… of just letting the sensations and emotions be, giving them the space to exist. That these feelings are normal… and you don’t have to expect yourself to know how to deal with it right now. That at the end of the day… these sensations are just sensations. They will only be sensations… and this too, shall pass.

Just… being okay with yourself. To be. Being okay with just simply existing. Not pushing away or suppressing the parts that you don’t agree with, dislike, hate or don’t want to see.

Welcoming all things that come… within and outside of oneself. The sensations, the emotions, or even the parts of self that pop out every once in awhile. The memories that make you feel distraught, shameful, embarassed, hateful. Regardless of everything, it is a part of you… and that’s okay.

That it’s simply a part of being alive.

As we live, we will experience different things. We will feel differently over different things, and times. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong or shameful. That the past is something terrible.

Exist. Be. Live… and continue to do so. Continue to walk forward with courage, and look at yourself, and the world around you with curiosity.

All things, will pass. The unsure-ness. The anger. The happiness. Life

And that’s okay

Love & peace.

(Friday 31st July 2020 – 2:00 ish)

faster

“can things pass faster”

this a strange thing

i always felt this way

but when the time does pass

you find yourself nostalgic for the wrong things.

we wish for a better time

a better place

a better environment

but when that time does come

you realise why did I even rush

all the things you took for granted

just caught up in an ideal of “better”

that you forget what once was

putting on le rosy glasses

and wishing for the past once again.

loneliness

Maybe it’s a lil’ bit of that… scared of being lonely, but not knowing anything else. The only thing you know is to suppress that loneliness & not… keeping yourself and the emotions company.

Just like.. thinking about 陪 the child inside of you… and what, how you as a child would have liked to have someone by your side… it feels like I know but I don’t know.

That I want somebody to be my confidant, to understand, to accompany. To feel like I can talk & discuss & disclose any feelings/ thoughts to them. But they’re also guiding and helping me. To be able to bring me out of the depths of my own troubles, to take my hand and “save me”, when I need it. To have that trust, to not feel betrayed, or ever will be.

The part that I don’t know is that when I’m trying (but mostly just thinking) to 陪 that self… I don’t think I can be that person for myself. I feel like I’m not enough, and that I want to run away from these feelings… drown it out with something else.

That this feeling of loneliness, of solitude & isolation can only be “cured” by somebody else.

Maybe it’s just an attachment to that ideal… that only someone else can come save you. Maybe I’m not taking t he time or even giving these emotions & feelings the space. To exist, to flow or just to be. Pushing them away, suppressing them & hoping that they disappear.

It is a deep down desire to not feel alone. To not feel isolated. To feel like my existence is acknowledged, is of value, that I’m contributing… that I’m not alone & am loved. It’s frustrating… there is shame, there is guilt flowing inside of me. I feel shameful, guilty and somewhat disappointed. Y’know… if I gotten over this fear I would be so much more… so much better. I could do more things, connect with more people.. Maybe that’s just attachment to that idea. That we need to be more, or that not being ‘better’ is pulling me down.

The shame of having to rely on others for basic things… of not being independent. Of not constantly creating or going out… or not being “”””normal””””. (to be able to go out, reach out, connect.)

Create meaningful work, not be awkward. Have a “job”, have a career”.

Maybe it’s just attachment to all those ideals. That this one thing is holding me back, or that this is the life I want to live, or how it should be lived. That these things are important to “live a good life.”

Whatever it may be, it shall pass. The shame, frustration, guilt, disappointment. even the enjoyment, enthusiasm, fulfillment, satisfaction, all shall pass. The ideals we have for living, the days that we live. Giving these emotions the space to flow, exist and just be. Welcoming whatever comes. Having the courage to continue, and just walking forward with an avid curiosity and that courage. In the end, this too shall pass.

Love & peace.

(Tuesday 7th July 2020, 00:40 ish)

things learned – self

I’m frustrated that I don’t remember all the things I talked about during my counselling meeting.

Maybe that’s just attachment- that you have to know how to react, how to be with, how to answer all the emotions right now. That frustration from small things shouldn’t exist or that should should always be perfect, run smoothly & you know how to execute it 100%

Sometimes it’s just about being able to take a step back. Take a minute to check in with yourself. What are the sensations, the things that I feel right now, in this moment?

~~~~

The initial thoughts about things, the ideals that we have, the things that spring into our minds once we see something. That initial reactionary thought.

We all have it, but we don’t have to immediately believe it.
人都會有, 不要馬上相信它.

~~~~

Shit about other people, about significant others. Acknowledging them as an individual, and they have their own limitations, and so do you. They’re not saying those things because they don’t love you or straight up hate you. It’s because the way that they think is right feels wrong to you… or they don’t know what you feel is right.

It’s not that they’re doing it on purpose… but rather they just don’t know how… they have their limitations.

Sometimes it’s strange yet so amazing. Humans are so insecure… with themselves and living. We have a plethora of problems, imperfections. limitations, and yet we still try to love. The amount of courage it takes to keep loving is insane. To keep improving, to keep learning, to keep progressing. Isn’t that already a lot…

With human beings having so many limitations… sometimes putting all that weight – of being a lover, a friend, a partner, a mentor, a confidant – it’s too much for a single person. Accepting that you yourself have limitations , that you aren’t perfect and need help with things…

There are other people out there who are better than you at somethings- that have the capability to fulfill the things you don’t have or don’t know how. (Like the thing luffy said – he can’t navigate, he can’t hold a sword, he can’t lie – and that he would be dead without his crewmates. )

當可以依賴很多人, 才是independent.

Just… 可以欣賞別人, 欣賞自己 for the things we’ve learned… the things we’re able to do and not do.

~~~~

I was talking about motivation & shit like that. How I get anxiety, feel anxious & frustrated about not doing anything… about not progressing – shit like having a career or getting a job…

And just the sens of drained-ness that I get from going outside. Of just “exploring” without any plan… Just going back to the first few months in Japan, where there was that 新鮮感, that I could just go downtown & just photograph shit, just explore & wander around. But that was really anxiety inducing. Just the tightness of the shoulders and thighs (from physical tiredness aswell as body tensing up). Just feeling so lost & having no sense of direction. (in real life & in life in general) How going outside reminds me of that sometimes. (Just rolling downhill into only going outside for counselling, food, interviews or anything scheduled. )

That sense of loneliness of drained-ness, of fear of the outside even is from the 陌生-ness of the outside growing up.

Feeling alone & trapped & scared growing up. Malaysia, Thailand, even Taiwan & Japan.

[Counselor] asked: what age is that feeling (of tightnes, of fear)

  • I said 3-18… just that that feeling has been around for a long time
  • that I wished for the child inside me to 被陪… to have someone there, to have that 親人感. To feel close, to have a confidant. To feel safe & secure.

Just… 陪那個小男孩.If you don’t know how to do it just think of yourself… how you would qwant somebody else to 陪 you (as a child)

會陪人家,but when will you 陪自己?

Just y’know. 我願意陪著我孤單的自己,我害怕的自己, 生氣的自己... 

(Love & peace)

(Friday 3rd July 2020 – 1:38am ish)

ignoring others and being ignored

Just thinking about the things in the past. Ignoring others & not putting in the effort to keep in touch because I was never really invested. Sometimes just wanting to disappear & fade out from their lives… hoping to be forgotten and for those memories to be suppressed & disappear.

But yet the thing I hate about others (which I probably hate about myself) is that very ignoring part. Not like “oh I was busy”, like yeh bitch I see you posting on instagram but when other people ignore & pretend it’s cool.

In the age of social media and all that jazz, it’s sometimes hard for emotions to come through in text form on a screen. The feelings of guilt, longing, loneliness, shame and all that jazz can’t be transcribed or transferred that easily. (届かない)

Sometimes being forgotten and relationships/ friendships slowly fading is a normal thing. And if those feelings (whether love or not) are unrequited and only 1 side is trying to uphold it, there’s not much you can do.

I just feel guilty deep down for ignoring people, and just straying away or letting these things fade. Mostly because I wanted to disappear, was lazy to uphold it or just straight up didn’t feeling anything. I feel bad and guilty for not really saying anything.

Maybe it’s some form of attachment… to ideals of being able to tell when a friendship is ending, and it should stop… or that everybody deserves time & will click & needs to be kept up with. As we continue to ride the wave that is life, there are people that we keep around us. The faces that we meet and experience will be forgotten, but will remain with us one way or another. Sometimes things fade. (And that’s okay.)

Whether it’s the feelings inside of us, the living beings around us or the presence we occupy…

this too, shall pass.

Love & peace

(Monday 29th June 2020, 00:40 ish(??))

forget ignore

Ignore me harder

forget me less.

But yet when I want to forget you

Why do I have to put in effort?

Sidelined

forgotten

ignored

disappeared

Am I really important to you?

Or was it just “was”

A stepping stool towards a goal

or a small step in a long intertwining journey

Was feeling important for you?

or was it just

for

me?

Ignore me if you must

but at least make

an excuse

Forget me if you want

and I’ll disappear

when I want to.

(Mon 29th June 2020, 00:30 ish)

Letting go

Letting go is something I still don’t understand. Maybe actively accepting it, acknowledging it is something that helps. When the existence of something is accepted, not denied, we learn to live with it. To welcome its presence in this universe. Not to push it away and hope we forget & it disappears.

Maybe it’s like ink. It’s fresh in our memories, it’s vivid, clear and vibrant. But as time goes on, as long as the radiant sun that is our presence shines on it, it beings to fade. When we box those memories, those ideals, those emotions up, the sun doesn’t shine on it. It doesn’t fade. The lingering feeling of it existing continues to haunt, even to the point where we forget what it once was.

Maybe letting go is like acknowledging the inks existence. To say, in this moment, it is this. It is being. To cast that light upon it. And the ones that are fading were not once “like x or y”, but are being now. That all things can change, are changing & will continue to do so. That this too, shall pass.

Love & peace.

(Sunday June 21st 1:00am ish)

emptiness and attachment to ideals

Shounen’s abyss has been something on my mind last night & some of today. Kinda have been letting the idea sit a lil bit, but also at the same time, it’s been a lil bit frustrating because I don’t know what to make of it, or actually pinpoint what I’m feeling.

The overall idea I had about it was the feeling of trapped. Stuck in the same loop of shit, constantly wanting, hoping for something invigorating & changing everything. It’s not that what’s everyday, or the rate that everything is going at is mundane… it’s also suffocating. Feeling like everything around you is boxing, closing in. That the slightest change of scenery or deviance gives you a bit of dopamine, and you constantly chase for more. Addicted to that small flicker of tainted hope. It’s not a spark that leads into a bonfire that turns your life around, but rather the only light in the tunnel that just gets longer.
I never really thought that I was ‘trapped’ before this – since moving back. But it hist a lil bit close to home. The sparse scenery… the constant wishing for something more. That somebody, some thing, some event will come into your life & change things… it rsonates.

One of the things that stuck out for me is when the idol says “It’s not that I want to die, it’s just that there’s nothing worth living for”

Boy’s abyss – ch 7 pg 11 – translation by Black Cat Scanlations

Hit me pretty accurately. The fact that the vigour, the 熱誠 to live life isn’t there anymore. Just a vacuum of life. A shell, a husk, a void within oneself. An abyss I guess. It really resonated & caught me a lil bit, and was because… one thing that came up in a previous counselling session, that got me pretty emotional was that I didn’t want to return to ‘that time’.
Of when I felt empty, that nothing was going my way and never will. That there wasn’t anything worth pursuing anymore, anything worth living for. Times when waking up, getting out of bed was difficult… dreading the moments sitting in class & just having a weighing feeling of “why am I here” and “nothing is worth it.” The times where I barely slept, sleeping only because I was physically to tired to continue, and not being able to bear the weight, being too scared to face tomorrow.
Manga that delves into this topic, aswell as shit about university piques my interest but ultimately gives me a lot of anxiety. (University ones don’t pique my interest, just straight up gives me anxiety. )

It’s been something that I’ve been very scared to address, to face or even peek my face into. I boxed away the idea of “not wanting to live a life like this again” or “not wanting to be like that”, or “never returning to that (physical & mental) place again.”

Been avoiding those feelings out right & when anything that resembles it pops up, I just panic and become anxious. Maybe, there’s some attachment tot hat ideal. Not only to the ‘I want to be able to wake up everyday fulfilled, full of life. Being able to sleep at night without stress, knowing I did my best and at peace’, but also holding on to the ideal of “I never want to go back there again. To the days where getting out of bed was tough. The vast empty void inside of me. Living, existing, feeling constantly drained, empty & unaccomplished. Just lost… and simply existing was painful.”

Maybe attaching myself to those ideals & avoidance caused some suffering. Of constantly pressuring myself to “be this way” or to not do things simply out of fear or it resembling things I don’t want to remember. Of feeling guilty for ‘not doing things’ or ‘not walking towards this path’. Running away from what I thought was trapping me and just trapping myself again. Not acknowledging the emotions inside and giving it space to just be.

Is it impatience? Of wanting whatever is in our lives to get out and disappear quickly. Is it non-acceptance? Constantly disregarding the facts & reality at hand and just hoping, wishing for a btter outcome. Di satisfied at the present.

Regardless of everything… it will pass. As the clock continues to turn, the river of time flows, the days fade… this too, shall pass.

(Mon 21st June, 1:00am ish)

Strawberry road

Take me back

to Strawberry road.

Where the memories ran fresh

and life is sweet

where we don’t feel neglected

and glad to be alive.

Where guilt doesn’t haunt us

and our dreams are realised

The dandelions and sunflowers bloom

the mangoes are plucked

the sweet nectar of life

overflows in abundance

was it ever lost

in the days long past

or have we simply forgotten

what it feels like

to walk on that path

down

Strawberry road.

pride & the subjectivity of success

Just saw the Marty Friedman thing, about 10 things you should know before visiting Japan… (didn’t exactly watch it) I remember it was recommended to me on youtube a long time ago… and I kinda put it off as just “some random white guy visiting Japan & telling ‘what’s different'”. But he’s lived in Japan since 2003, so I can’t really complain. The experience of an established white guy, moving there (Jason, Marty) or somebody who breaks out “appealing” to foreigners (yabatan, dogen), is very different from a random immigrant moving there to get a better life.
Shit’s weird man. I think there’s still a lot of pride inside me… regarding feeling like I “know” the country & “deserved” to make it big & be “successful” (whatever the fuck that means)
(as much as I want to forget, move away, run away, redefine, there’s still a part of me inside that still sees making it big IN JAPAN (mainly Tokyo), fitting in, as successful)

Why? I don’t know.

Could be my pride. Could be not wanting my “hard work” to go to waste. The glasses I put on, not wanting to be stagnant & cling onto the only idea of success I had.

When you look back & realise, why are you still holding onto that sense of pride? It’s a constant push & pull… wanting to feel important & acknowledged “oh ho, I know what “Japan is like” hurr durr”, as well as trying to accept it wasn’t all good, and to move on from it. There were days where you were so lost… and it was fucking hard to get out of bed in the morning. When shit & life seemed so bleak, it was hard to continue.

Maybe it’s about wanting to feel important at the end of the day. Of being able to say “I conquered x or y”, “I have more knowledge about y or z”, whether that be living in a certain country, know the ‘ins and outs’ (whatever the fuck that means) of a certain topic, or having the pride of just “been there, done that, therefore I am IMPORTANT; ACKNOWLEDGE ME”.

Wanting to be seen by others, not as the colour of your skin, where you come from, or what you do… but for what you’ve conquered, how far you’ve come, who you are.

(All the times spent searching up X or Y, comparing yourself to them… “heh I know more Japanese than this person” or getting salty/frustrated/upset over somebody else who was less skilled/ less knowledgeable(?)/ less deserving(?????) find ‘success’ faster than you – that’s a slippery, slippery slope. Comparing others to yourself… will grant, bestow upon you great suffering.

Success – & comparing is a strange thing. Success, in all honesty is just straight up subjective. The only objective part about it is in our biology. If we just survive & pass on our DNA, that’s pretty much it. That’s the success that is imprinted into all living organisms.

But when the idea of success is constantly defined by the society around you (or a blind & un-doubtful acceptance is made), shit gets out of hand over time. In some ways, it’s not a bad thing being able to unite the people under a common goal, and push everyone towards the well being of a community. It’s definitely not a bad thing.

However, pushing those who question & search for different things aside, not nurturing them & forcing them to think otherwise, as well as creating a cycle of long lasting emptiness, only to benefit a certain group of people probably isn’t the way to go.

There are some people out there that genuinely believe that earning more money = more success, and they find happiness & fulfillment from that, and that’s okay. There are other people that believe tending to their garden, or inciting revolution to overthrow the system also gives them great joy. And that’s okay too. Shitting on one another for out beliefs (that are subjective by the way), isn’t exactly a healthy way to do things. We often times forget that deep down everybody is searching for the same things. To feel important, to be loved, to be recognized. To be seen, to be acknowledged.

One thing I think for many, (and even very, very often myself as well) is to realise, to notice, to remember it’s okay to not want to fit into that box of success. To have the courage to explore & constantly change, evolve & develop the definition of success. And to be okay with that. Not to let the expectations of others cut too deeply. But also remembering to not let the constant critic of your own expectations hurt you.

To give yourself the space to experience, learn, love, forgive, forget, regret, suffer, acomplish.

To give yourself the space to be.

Love & peace

(tuesday 16th June 2020, 23:50 ish?)