Maybe it’s a lil’ bit of that… scared of being lonely, but not knowing anything else. The only thing you know is to suppress that loneliness & not… keeping yourself and the emotions company.
Just like.. thinking about 陪 the child inside of you… and what, how you as a child would have liked to have someone by your side… it feels like I know but I don’t know.
That I want somebody to be my confidant, to understand, to accompany. To feel like I can talk & discuss & disclose any feelings/ thoughts to them. But they’re also guiding and helping me. To be able to bring me out of the depths of my own troubles, to take my hand and “save me”, when I need it. To have that trust, to not feel betrayed, or ever will be.
The part that I don’t know is that when I’m trying (but mostly just thinking) to 陪 that self… I don’t think I can be that person for myself. I feel like I’m not enough, and that I want to run away from these feelings… drown it out with something else.
That this feeling of loneliness, of solitude & isolation can only be “cured” by somebody else.
Maybe it’s just an attachment to that ideal… that only someone else can come save you. Maybe I’m not taking t he time or even giving these emotions & feelings the space. To exist, to flow or just to be. Pushing them away, suppressing them & hoping that they disappear.
It is a deep down desire to not feel alone. To not feel isolated. To feel like my existence is acknowledged, is of value, that I’m contributing… that I’m not alone & am loved. It’s frustrating… there is shame, there is guilt flowing inside of me. I feel shameful, guilty and somewhat disappointed. Y’know… if I gotten over this fear I would be so much more… so much better. I could do more things, connect with more people.. Maybe that’s just attachment to that idea. That we need to be more, or that not being ‘better’ is pulling me down.
The shame of having to rely on others for basic things… of not being independent. Of not constantly creating or going out… or not being “”””normal””””. (to be able to go out, reach out, connect.)
Create meaningful work, not be awkward. Have a “job”, have a career”.
Maybe it’s just attachment to all those ideals. That this one thing is holding me back, or that this is the life I want to live, or how it should be lived. That these things are important to “live a good life.”
Whatever it may be, it shall pass. The shame, frustration, guilt, disappointment. even the enjoyment, enthusiasm, fulfillment, satisfaction, all shall pass. The ideals we have for living, the days that we live. Giving these emotions the space to flow, exist and just be. Welcoming whatever comes. Having the courage to continue, and just walking forward with an avid curiosity and that courage. In the end, this too shall pass.
Love & peace.
(Tuesday 7th July 2020, 00:40 ish)