not knowing

There is a deep sense of shame/ fear that comes from the future, I had a lil’ bit of trouble falling asleep last night because of it. Before I slept I was thinking about “what do I do?” and “am I really doing what I want to do?”… a sense of being stagnant & idle has popped up recently & I’ve (past and present tense) been kinda beating myself up over it.

A sense of failure that I’m not pursuing anything or not doing anything “worthwhile”, while it’s easy to compare yourself to others, it’s also easy to say that these things don’t have any basis. (in the fact that what’s worthwhile is subjective.)

Rushing into things doesn’t help either. it’s just that the feeling of heaviness in my heart has gotten heavier… and that’s something I definitely want to avoid.

I think it comes from beating myself up over not knowing. Not knowing how to react/ properly deal with the emotions inside of me, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, what to write or anything.

It makes me feel like I should be punishing myself, when not knowing is just a part of the human agenda. It’s natural to not know what to do, how to deal with emotions. Those things come over time, lots of time. No point in rushing it.

Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing… just accept the fact that you don’t know, and you don’t have to know. Things can be learned.

(Then again the feeling I have now is that the repressing of the stress is only temporary, but pretty much everything in life is like that.

Just… breathe in, and remember something you are grateful for. A place, a person, music, food, anything.

Think about the vastness of the world, the experiences and individuality of the people around you… the time flowing and the ever-changing environment around us.

Just loops in the escape velocity yo.

And remember the embraces, the good times you’ve had in your life. With friends, with family, your loved ones.

And let go of the spite, suffering, anger, frustration towards others and yourself in your heart,

and just breathe.

A small part of the loop, the circle that is life.

So small, yet so real.

Life is vast, and there are things that you won’t be able to comprehend.

But regardless of everything, tomorrow will come.

Love & peace.

shame, guilt

Sometimes, (maybe too often), I feel shameful for my current situation. For not doing anything, for feeling like I’m not progressing… and that’s pretty much about it. I feel guilty for the same things too.

In reality, there’s not alot to feel shameful about, then why is it such a big part of my mind?

A certain part of it is the expectations that I have for “myself”, that I should be X or Y.

“healthy”

“happy”

“not feeling like I hate myself everyday”

These things don’t really exist, there isn’t a strict guideline in our life, or a certain way that we have to live it, then why do I feel shame?

Is it the way that I want others to see me? Do I feel shame for not living up to others’ expectations (which there are none), or do I care too much about what others’ think?

At the end of the day, none of these things matter, or exist really. Don’t beat yourself up over something you haven’t done, or done in the past. The way others perceive you doesn’t matter. Just live, and be. (Sometimes the expectations you have for yourself are just a construction for the ego to survive, to have an “”identity””)

love and peace.

getting caught up in the small things

Recently it’s been okay. Was dancing w/ yuki and daniel on Saturday & I didn’t feel so good. I guess with the many things in life (even when it comes down to writing down my dreams/ blogs/ advice & all that shit), I still “expect” myself to fulfill a certain threshold, whether it be self expressing or being able to “do”, something… I just gotta learn to let go. Because it ain’t about fulfilling a check mark, or having expectations on being somebody. You just be.

I’ve been really caught up in the small things. The tiniest human interactions I’ve had, not writing in shit or just things that don’t matter. Getting caught up in what other people think about others or how I want to perceive myself. What’s “integrity” or the “things that I want to do”. Losing your mind in these things… at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter.

I’ve forgotten (and just need to remind myself as many times as needed), to just appreciate the living moment, the present. That being alive is already 幸福 enough….

It’s okay to get caught up, to get lost… it happens to all of us.

Just take a deep breath, and keep on moving

(love and peace)

perspective, tunnel vision and letting it go

It honestly is being able/ getting to hangout with people, dance & talk is a great feeling. There honestly isn’t much to worry about when you’re just dancing & taking life 1 step at a time, having fun.

After talking to David, it really felt like there is no need to rush & to tunnel vision/ see things in a certain way. Having that stubborn, closed minded way of percieving things isn’t exactly healthy (or isn’t healthy at all.) You just gotta let things be and let ot play out, chasing after the next thing & thinking about what next to achieve, but doing the things you love, see what’s around you, and taking it day by day.

No rush.

I guess the way I percieved things (even shit like capoeria or budhism or dance event & studio), I was really closed minded on what it should be and “it has to be this way” I should (and will) just let things go and let it be. Rather than chase something, spriting… Relax, and let things happen. Patience… I guess.

Love & peace.

some current feelings

I feel angry, sad, dissapointed, ashamed all at the same time. This is definitely a deja vu feeling of when I was in Tokyo, feeling that going outside won’t help, staying inside won’t or talking to family. That nothing is working and nothing will work. The year in retrospect was ok. Improved alot, fucked up alot… I’m just in a low place right now.

I feel like shit and hate myself for not trying harder.

I feel like shit for not doing the “things” (how vague) that I wanted to.

I feel like shit for not spending time with friends and not developing relationships with the only people that I truly care about.

I feel like shit for distracting myself, constantly running away from my problems.

I feel like shit for ruling myself with fear and pretending like everything was alright.

I want to help myself, but saying is different from doing.

what do I do? I feel scared, lonely, alone, isolated and, can’t even help myself.

///////////

When I look at myself now, I just cry. What’s changed? I’m still alone, depressed, crying in my room. Scared of the future and hoping things will change.

They have changed, a lil bit. You’ve improved. You have people around you who care, you’ve gone outside, met with friends, talked with people, improved spiritually, mentally and somewhat physically. You’re not constantly fearing for your life everyday, beating yourself up over what to do next. You can eat enough everyday, people around you care and love you. You can still dance. You’re not constantly living in a dirty ass place. The city is (mostly) safe. The lows are lower, and less consistent.

There has been improvement

(31st dec 2019, 18:30 ish, stay safe, keep trying and walking further. love & peace)

communicate

Are we having conversations or are we just pretending?

shouting, until we agree

Are we even talking? Or communicating anything.

Or are we just screaming at nothing and pretending to understand

to get along

just because it’s convinient.

Does what I say make sense?

or are you even listening?

Is what I say worth it?

or should I just go away?

The sky is blue.

(27th december, 2019. 22:57 ish. have a safe holiday season, and life y’all. love & peace.)