I’ll miss you

Do we have to ‘provide’

do we have to ‘contribute’

for a friendship to last?

Everything is changing,

but that doesn’t mean we’re not.

Is friendship something we invest in

maybe it is.

The initial spark that started it

vomiting our insecurities & feelings

The times it felt so mutual,

yet so far.

Maybe it was giving each other space

to be,

to grow,

to bloom.

I don’t feel betrayed

but yet why do I feel pulled back.

Tides of time,

the seasons are changing.

I wish you well,

thank you

and I hope our paths

cross

once again.

Love & peace

self – free – space

Sometimes your biggest critic is yourself, and sometimes that mothafucka doesn’t shut up.
Been slightly feeling it… that not reading/ not talking/ not writing/ not DOING makes me feel a lil bit guilty & unhappy. When I feel like I’m constantly “doing” and progressing (meeting people & catching up/ writing… I feel like the burden is lifted off my heart). Of course, in that moment, there is nothing more important than the thing you’re facing.

Maybe it’s just noticing, that being & thinking are separate things. The expectations, things we want to do, thoughts inside our head going wild, are different from what our inner goals are. Constantly search for something to shut ourselves up. Whether it is proving others wrong and justifying the thoughts in our mind, constantly searching for something to fill up that void (and maybe even trying to make ourselves feel big and important in the process).

Although the way we think and how we act are different… they are connected yet separated. Our bodies understands and reacts (to emotions, memories) whether we actually remember them or not.

Maybe freeing ourselves or just being is like that. Noticing the thoughts in our mind, not pushing them away, suppressing them, directly reacting, running away, just noticing it. Noticing how our body reacts to the raw emotion. And just giving it that space to flow…. to be.

(Haven’t really been giving myself that space… the minor emotions inside of me have just been building up. Whether that be guilt, frustration, disappointment, discontent, excitement) Sometimes it might spill out in anger, frustration, but I’ve just been suppressing it. (Although I did try to notice the frustration & disappointment & annoyance when playing Dota today, so yaaaay, proud boi)

Y’know…. just continuing to say. Anger is a valid emotion… sometimes there are things that you can’t do, and it’s perfectly normal to get frustrated over it. Don’t try to suppress it, or run away from it. Notice it, give it the space to be.

It goes for everything really. The guilt from not reading/writing, from not “doing” anything (ie: progressing on “work” -> which is basically nothing), the fear of the future, from past memories (yay university)

The frustration from not knowing – how to deal with stupid people, how to deal with the future, how to deal with a lack of skill, how to deal with these emotions, how to live.

It’s okay to take it slow. There are always more tomorrows.

Whatever you do, whatever you choose. Just take a step forward.

Slowly, but surely

Love & peace.

(Sunday 31st May 2020 – 00:55 ish)

s.p.a.c.e

Y’know, I think it’s something that I feel like I’ve been searching for in other people. Forgiveness? Space, the lack, the freedom, to be myself…

The space to roam around, be myself. To make mistakes, to fail, to struggle, to cry.

To rethink, to revamp, to recover. To reeducate.

To feel secure within the presence of others and myself. To feel human. To feel happy and safe.

To be able to talk some stupid shit, make plenty of mistakes and to be forgive for all that.

Have I been giving myself that space?

To not beat myself up for making mistakes

Giving myself, saying it’s okay to take it slow.

Not rushing is okay

And there’s always time.

What do I want?

To feel secure, safe, happy, welcome. To feel like I belong, I’m a part of something

To feel fulfilled.

To be able to sleep without any troubles, knowing that I did my best and not being afraid of tomorrow.

To be able to wake up and not feel stressed about anything and or not rushed or not drained.

Maybe it’s similar to giving space for the emotions in your body. To notice the sensations. The raw feeling and being. To give it the space to flow around, and to experience it.

Instead of avoid it, pushing it away or acting like it doesn’t exist.

Giving it the space to just

be.

the past and games

Sometimes when I watch Mirae/ Osu videos (or even browse any subreddit ever) I feel strange sense of guilt, of tingling in my heart. Jealousy? Envy? Longing?
With Mirae it’s honestly a bag of mixed feelings. In the beginning it was like: “oh I really vibe with these videos, smoke anime pussy everyday amirite. But when he went to Japan & started doing more stupid shit (like flexing his money & doing more obnoxious vlogs, even the 3am vlog video)
I felt kinda disgusted. Of course his experience of Japan was much more different from mine, maybe he just approached life in a much more carefree and enjoyable way, while I just went a more emotional and rough path. (which wasn’t even that rough). But at the same I felt a lot of jealousy. Of “why couldn’t that be me too? Why couldn’t I find happiness & enjoyment in staying there. Feeling secure & belonging?”

Even the 3am walk in Japan thing, just seeing it made me feel uninspired & 0 vibes. I guess it’s just how we see life. When his friend (forgot her name) showed up it just felt like ugh… a sense of “why couldn’t I find happiness too?”
I was mad & angry at someone for achieving something I didn’t have.

Osu is a different kind of feeling, whenever I look at any kind of gaming community, (be it Dota, FGC, smash, league, Osu) there’s so much trying to ‘get gud’. Get ranks, get highlights, get higher on the ranked leaderboard, know X or Y (same with twitch too).
Which just makes me think: “what is all of this for?” To feel good about yourself? To grind hours on end for a stupid virtual number? MMR is like that. There’s a sense of instant gratification from seeing that number rise, or from completing a song under a difficulty. But I just don’t find any joy, any reason to continue grinding for arbitrary virtual numbers. Spending & degrading time like that. (Runescape broke me xd)
It’s always like that. There’s a sense of “I’m free, but what now?” When you quit and let go. Sometimes you go back (Dota), but… it feels like it’s a repeating cycle in my life & nothing is sticking, from the numerous amount of things I try. (Breaking, videomaking, Dota, Overwatch)

There’s a sense of “there’s so much I want to learn”, but after that fuel is burned out… what else is there? A sense of void and emptiness. Just chasing other things, hoping to fill it up. I guess one part is just don’t take anything too seriously. Nobody is insulting the art when they do something “wrong”, you don’t need to bust your ass to probe your point & to be “right”, just to let that shit sit & let it go. (it was like that with overwatch/ learning Japanese too, the motivation & fuel for it just burnt out after a certain point)
It’s not like you’re supposed to constantly dig within yourself & search for that motivation oil, sometimes its just the discipline & love to keep creating & to keep going. To wake up everyday & to just keep at it; to keep walking.

Do I feel sad… disappointed(?), down, drained or burnt out? When watching old things, things I once loved and obsessed over… yeah of course. I feel nothing but that. There’s no sense of nostalgia or love, but rather a hint of disgust and tired-ness. I feel drained from just being around it. IT’s okay to re-visit every once in a while, but it’s just mehhhhhhhhh sometimes.

Do I wish that I had that fervor, that willingness to give my all… do I long for it and wish for it to be back? Yes… and no. I know that that fervor, ability to give effort, to strive for something is still there. I long for the days that I felt fulfilled, & happy everyday. Waking up & feeling relaxed. Moving towards something without feeling stressed and being able to sleep at night feeling fulfilled, content, knowing I tried my best and not being afraid of tomorrow. I don’t think those days were ever there.

The world out there is difficult. Life is strange. I want to know what these feelings/ emotions mean. To move on from the, but for what? To improve, to progress, to evolve.

No one thing is gonna come immediately or overnight. There’s no reason to feel frustrated over it. The future is bright yet unknown. May different paths to walk, to discover, to experience.

love & peace.

(Wed, 27th May 2020, 1:05am ish)

feeling lonely; yearning.

It’s much easier to love somebody for something you’re not, than it is to love & accept yourself for who you are. Accepting, acknowledging, appreciating yourself in this world.
Maybe it’s because we understand the context more… compared to others, in light of the past, our achievements don’t deserved to praised. We haven’t changed all that much, “I could be so much more, so much better, go even further.”

I find myself recently looking through (even re-reading, searching for) manga that makes me feel lonely. -> Something with relationships that make my hear got kyun~~~ ❤️ & makes me feel jealous. Of the life I ‘want’ to live, of the relationships I ‘want’ to have.

Is it yearning? Yeah kinda,… shit that will never come true? If you wish for things that are unrealistic, and impatiently live, then yeah.
Expectation, stories & fiction are always vastly different from reality. I don’t know if it’s a ‘guilty pleasure’ to read shit like this – I do feel somewhat guilty, a lil bit from shame, but also from knowing that these series-es are born out of loneliness, and seeking affection.

-seeking a sense of being loved, cared for, appreciated…

I feel a lil bit of guilt, knowing that I’m moving along pretty okay, but at the same time, wishing, yearning, craving for something more.

Maybe life ain’t just like that. You’re not gonna feel secure, safe, appreciated, loved immediately. Shit like that takes time, effort, experience. Knowing what you’re looking for, and searching & creating it. Take your time.

Love & peace.

the void inside; future goals

I thought that the grad was gonna be “one of the beeg events” that I didn’t want to miss – production, grad & maybe oregairu season 3. After all these things, I thought that I would get a move on. That I would feel cleansed, and be able to move on. Maybe it’s not exactly like that. You expect yourself, you keep telling yourself that you’re gonna be “happy” once you achieve something or get to a certain point. Sure, you feel great for the first 3 seconds, but after that you feel a vast empty void that you don’t know how to address. Stuff it down with “If I focus on others stuff/ create more projects/ do more, maybe I’ll feel more fulfilled” -> this hardly works (but there are rare moments when something extraordinary pops up), you just constantly chase a negative feedback loop of creating a void because of a “lack”. And trying to fill it up with something as soon as that “lack” disappears.

Maybe that’s how I’ve been viewing things. Creating/ using things in the far (but not so distant) future, to create excuses to “give” myself time.
Well. You already know that you don’t need to force yourself… that time is just always there…

The future is scary to think about… but what scares you? The unknown? The sense of dread where shit is just bleeuuuuuuggghh? Of not knowing what to do, what to contribute… how to take the reigns of my own life and steer the vessel that is myself.
The lack of experience, the lack of courage…

Welp. That’s something you’re not gonna understand in a single day. It’ll take months, years, 10s of years to find that answer. Make many mistakes, fail a lot, because that’s what it means to learn, to be alive, to be human. There are plenty of tomorrows to come….

Love & peace.

(Saturday, 23rd May 2020)

rainy night

It comes, on a rainy night, the memories I never want to remember.

Fear, flooding back.

The things that keep me up at night.

Of a time, I wish to forget,

to move on from,

the shit that makes me want to open my eyes,

to never sleep,

to hope that tomorrow never comes.

Of a time in which I knew nothing, but hated,

despised,

the world around me.

A time which gives me great shame.

A time where I never want to look back on again.

But still continues to haunt me.

Please stop keeping me up at night.

I just want to be free.

(poem from 23rd may: 1:00? 2:00? am ish)

longing

it feels quiet & empty, but yet so distany

when will my heart feel that way again,

the days long gone & lost, but what am I missing again?

feel still, yet unsure,

decided, but not commited,

ready to move, but not ready to run.

lost, but not without direction.

where are they now? where am I now?

how will I go from here?

oh how I long for the days where

I was once home

the bright blue skies

the wistful days

filled with radiance

and longing

for the future that came so abrupt

the past

The past few days definitely have been kind to me. The occasional “but you’re not doing anything” sense of guilt goes come back, but I just shoo it away with “but I’m taking it slow”.

It isn’t exactly the right way to do it (experience how your body reacts to the emotions rather than reacting to how your mind reacts)

There have been moments of remembering embarrassing things in the past (ie, stuff from Thailand times, stuff relating to h____, h___ & just some past moments that I didn’t regret in the moment, but hella regret in hindsight)
Being loud during expository writing, just being obnoxious to the people around me because I wanted to be “big” & “loud”. To somewhat have an identity & to get “noticed” I guess.

When I think back (at what I can remember) about highschool times… it’s all just a strange blur sometimes. The moments of embarrassment (s______ DAMNIT), came back occasionally in haunting memories….
but also shit like I wanna go back but not really ->the go back is kinda like I want someplace secure & somewhere where I feel like I’m free, have direction and won’t be judged for the things I do.

I think about creating videos, like the mcguffin stuff, and then I have flashbacks to talking to David. (not exactly the talking part, but putting up ideas for projects & never executing them because I’m scared & don’t know what to do)

I don’t want to fall into the same hole of just constantly thinking about creating content, and then never following up on any of it to completion.
I don’t want to fall back into the same bad habits again. Maybe the things I search & yearn for are the same.
Reverting back into/ there’s a subconscious feeling that “that time” was the only way that I knew how to live properly.

Sometimes tricking(?)/ attaching the idea that that period of my life , I was truly alive, and had things going for myself. That despite the ‘directionless’ method I was doing, it was beneficial and is a “good way to live”. In all honesty, if you think about the way you perceived life at the time, it was nothing but the opposite of that. Yes, there was grinding, there was a sense of accomplishment (but not necessarily progression), a sense of…. duty(?) (this is questionable).

But at the same time, despite all that forced pushing, trying to create a world worth living, learning, experiencing and adapting… it honestly didn’t go so well. There were times of great unknown (crying in the counselor’s office on day 5 (before the session even began), the talk w/ kito sensei about being lost, the talk with Allen the first 2 months in, the izakayas, the sleepless nights) all that shit…. being there and forcing yourself to do those things took a huge mental toll on you. I can’t really say if it was worth it or not, all I can really do is accept that it was in the past, a result of my own decisions and move on.
I hope to feel neutral about it.

There are times, where I do feel mad about it. “I could’ve done more”, “these situations wouldn’t have happened if I was smarter, more hardworking” “fuck x or y person, I shouldn’t have spent so much time on them, I shouldn’t have spent so much time worrying about it…”

There is nothing I can really do about it. In hindsight I don’t exactly regret my move to Japan, it was all done on my own decisions and consultations. In the end it didn’t work out for me, nor in the way I wanted it to. I’ve realized that the way I want to live, experience and how I perceive life have changed. The answer is still being continually, constantly, constructed, deconstructed, changed, modified, evolved. I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to go through shit like that to learn the things I know today. Maybe in a few years the way I perceive life will be different once again.

I’ve learned that alternative things are okay, it’s okay to see differently or search for different things to value. That it’s not always about everyone else, or sacrificing yourself “for yourself” in conditions that are subpar. Everybody has different thresholds before they snap, maybe I hit mine earlier. As much as I would love to change the past, and force myself to not go & go elsewhere to experience better things, there’s nothing I can do to change it.

But, it’s helped me become who I am today, and the one thing I can do is to accept it and take the next step forward.

Love & peace.

change

In the end, your achievements, progress and other ways of living aren’t exactly wrong. The things that you’ve worked on improving and built over time aren’t going to crumble in a single day. You don’t need to belittle yourself.

You’ve come a long way, and a little mishap ain’t gonna cost you everything. The way that they look at life & the things they value are very different. – pushing down others to console yourself is a great way to feel even more lonely- especially great when you complain about others being bad condescending when you yourself didn’t put in effort to understand others AND act the same the same way.

Life is strange & human nature is like that.

was texting [Cl-friend] while I was pooping and something similar did come up. She had an argument w/ [Ch-boyfriend] & wants to take a break for abit. Frustrated that [Ch-boyfriend] didn’t know how to console & handled bad days pretty bad.

-> it’s frustrating when you can’t change people… in the way that it’s somewhat… altruistic… you want them to get “better” or to improve – in a sense it’s moving forward in ways that you value.

(emotional intelligence, being able to deal with X or Y better, see the world in a more positive light, be more emphatic to others.)

But change comes from within, people aren’t gonna change unless they do it themselves, unless they want to change. Conflict starts from when you assume others will change for the sake of you (keyword is assume). Humans are stubborn creatures. We all have our shortcomings and demons we’re trying to avoid. (That’s a small portion of why it takes us so long to do things & to decide) – struggle to clean, to think about the future. I struggle to exercise, deal with toxic friendships or anything that is even slightly negative.

I was frustrated for a long time for hoping, wanting people to change. I was frustrated that I felt like I couldn’t “help” them. That I wasn’t in control of myself. I blamed others for their shortcomings.

I hated stubbornness. Do we have to wait until people die, until they’re admitted to a mental hospital, until they suffer before we move our fucking asses to change? Apparently, yes.

The responsibility of change falls on nobody but oneself. And that’s liberating yet scary. Sometimes, people are stubborn to change. And as frustrating and as stupid and realistic that is, you just have to let it go. Give them the space. To experience, understand and accompany that. There’s no point in constantly pestering them to do something, because that isn’t going to make them move.

It’s something that take time. We shouldn’t expect other humans to be perfect creatures that know to immediately deal with woes that we ourselves don’t know how to face. It’s because that they’re important to us, that we need to give them that space. Sometimes, there are just things that we can’t agree on, things that will haunt us for a long time, things that we struggle with. And that’s fine, it’s all part of being human.

Change can only come from within (unless it’s a big and 很大影響的event) we can give our unconditional love & support and say “I’m gonna be here & help you no matter what” but nothing is going to change unless the person takes the step themselves.

Giving space is something I still struggle with. To forgive others for being dumb and not knowing. To forgive yourself for not “being enough”. That’s fine tho. We all struggle, we all cry, we all smile.

I dream, I smile, I walk, I cry

Benjamin Clementine (I won’t complain)

Give others the space, the time, the leeway to be imperfect. To make mistakes, to get mad, to smile, to cry. To accept that not being in control is part of being free, that it’s part of being human.

Love & peace.