The past few days definitely have been kind to me. The occasional “but you’re not doing anything” sense of guilt goes come back, but I just shoo it away with “but I’m taking it slow”.
It isn’t exactly the right way to do it (experience how your body reacts to the emotions rather than reacting to how your mind reacts)
There have been moments of remembering embarrassing things in the past (ie, stuff from Thailand times, stuff relating to h____, h___ & just some past moments that I didn’t regret in the moment, but hella regret in hindsight)
Being loud during expository writing, just being obnoxious to the people around me because I wanted to be “big” & “loud”. To somewhat have an identity & to get “noticed” I guess.
When I think back (at what I can remember) about highschool times… it’s all just a strange blur sometimes. The moments of embarrassment (s______ DAMNIT), came back occasionally in haunting memories….
but also shit like I wanna go back but not really ->the go back is kinda like I want someplace secure & somewhere where I feel like I’m free, have direction and won’t be judged for the things I do.
I think about creating videos, like the mcguffin stuff, and then I have flashbacks to talking to David. (not exactly the talking part, but putting up ideas for projects & never executing them because I’m scared & don’t know what to do)
I don’t want to fall into the same hole of just constantly thinking about creating content, and then never following up on any of it to completion.
I don’t want to fall back into the same bad habits again. Maybe the things I search & yearn for are the same.
Reverting back into/ there’s a subconscious feeling that “that time” was the only way that I knew how to live properly.
Sometimes tricking(?)/ attaching the idea that that period of my life , I was truly alive, and had things going for myself. That despite the ‘directionless’ method I was doing, it was beneficial and is a “good way to live”. In all honesty, if you think about the way you perceived life at the time, it was nothing but the opposite of that. Yes, there was grinding, there was a sense of accomplishment (but not necessarily progression), a sense of…. duty(?) (this is questionable).
But at the same time, despite all that forced pushing, trying to create a world worth living, learning, experiencing and adapting… it honestly didn’t go so well. There were times of great unknown (crying in the counselor’s office on day 5 (before the session even began), the talk w/ kito sensei about being lost, the talk with Allen the first 2 months in, the izakayas, the sleepless nights) all that shit…. being there and forcing yourself to do those things took a huge mental toll on you. I can’t really say if it was worth it or not, all I can really do is accept that it was in the past, a result of my own decisions and move on.
I hope to feel neutral about it.
There are times, where I do feel mad about it. “I could’ve done more”, “these situations wouldn’t have happened if I was smarter, more hardworking” “fuck x or y person, I shouldn’t have spent so much time on them, I shouldn’t have spent so much time worrying about it…”
There is nothing I can really do about it. In hindsight I don’t exactly regret my move to Japan, it was all done on my own decisions and consultations. In the end it didn’t work out for me, nor in the way I wanted it to. I’ve realized that the way I want to live, experience and how I perceive life have changed. The answer is still being continually, constantly, constructed, deconstructed, changed, modified, evolved. I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to go through shit like that to learn the things I know today. Maybe in a few years the way I perceive life will be different once again.
I’ve learned that alternative things are okay, it’s okay to see differently or search for different things to value. That it’s not always about everyone else, or sacrificing yourself “for yourself” in conditions that are subpar. Everybody has different thresholds before they snap, maybe I hit mine earlier. As much as I would love to change the past, and force myself to not go & go elsewhere to experience better things, there’s nothing I can do to change it.
But, it’s helped me become who I am today, and the one thing I can do is to accept it and take the next step forward.
Love & peace.