Month: November 2020

I miss you

where did you go
what once was
or was it really there
a manifestation of my guilt
of the things I wished for
of all the things I couldn’t be
could have been
the love I gave for you
or for me
what I lost
or what I gained
what I’ve learned
or was it ever gone
maybe not.

(Saturday 28th Nov 2020, 20:20 ish)

space created (pt 2)

about existing I guess… the feeling of never feeling like you ever landed. Or that the world was strange around you. In the sense of all the pain, suffering, hardships, past traumas all haunted you consistently, yet you never knew they existed, nor really how to deal with it. It would eat at you constantly, without ever knowing why. Beating yourself up consistently, feeling shame, embarrassment for ‘not knowing’, for not knowing ‘how to deal with it’, or what was even there. Existing was painful. Trying to find solidarity, any form of anchor, of something or someone to hold on to. What is the point in everything, if there was nothing worth living for?

Wandering the places around you, and the demonic ecosystem inside of you, wondering why you exist, do I deserve to exist? Does anything ever make any sense, why did I never learn to do anything? To deal with these feelings inside and out? Hoping that somebody, something would reach out their hand, saying that they love you, believe in you and that you have potential. That you are worth saving, that you deserve to be alive and that there’s plenty more out there, worth living for in this world. 

And never really finding that answer (but for real tho, does it even exist?) 
Giving oneself the space for the emotions, sensations, feelings, memories, traumas, everything to exist. Not suppressing it, ignoring it or pushing it away.  Not judging it, or deeming it as bad or good, just letting it sit there, exist and just be. 

Being more okay with all these things inside of us, just a little bit at a time I guess.

Slowly, but surely. 

space created

waking up the morning after,

i just feel nothing


but it was like I never could wake up –
like something always alluded me, haunted me.

like something I never knew – or couldn’t deal with, that I never understood.

the memories flood back; like a nightmare i never wanted to remember

life is just a blur

and nothing is working

existence is pain
why do I feel this way?

so I looked inside, searching for answers

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(state of calm; but of pain)

space emerges; but what?

lost in the night;,
searching for answers,
for questions,
for reasons to live

wanting to be together,
with someone

the past caught with me,
just dizzy, want to run away

remember the days,

seeking those for assistance,
HELP ME;
RUN AWAY FROM EVERYTHING

I WANT TO FUCKING VOMIT

HE WON’T HOLD YOU

something – accepting the present for what it is;
moving forward and such.

life is filled with light; of fullness, of gratitude and existence…

finding the light that was once not there, no matter how small I guess

have i landed…?

我終於”到”了嗎?

(Tuesday, 17th November 2020)

achieving greatness

The thought of wishing for something grand kinda has been in my head for abit… and I wonder (this was something I about before – when I finished reading the book) That maybe it’s trying to fulfill another healing fantasy/ role self(???)

That going for something big, moving towards your dreams and finding that “moment” will heal you from everything. That achieving greatness is something you have to do for yourself, because your parents could never do it. That it’s something you “want” (like duh I want it, I want to feel those emotions. The feelings of something grand and part of something greater, making waves and impacting people)
But part of it is that voice, the one that’s been rushing me (esp during earlier this year) to get a move on and try to work/ DO something. That idleness is unwelcome, and that you are a failure for not trying. It’s been awhile I guess… had somewhat succumbed to that voice in the beginning. Feeling shame and guilt for not moving forward (in the way that I expected or really others expected you to.)
and really thinking back on it now, it was an adjusted part of their healing fantasy, believing that they’re supportive people, offering half-assed advice and being stoic in their ideals, and believing that they’re helping, good people (when their stubbornness is leading to more harm, and in fact is some of the source of their problems. )

Maybe it’s in part the role-self I have created for myself. Of that achieving “””greatness””” is the only way that I’ll be recognized and loved. (and that’s kinda it LMFAO. Part of the healing fantasy is that if I play the anchor and try hard, be supportive, I’ll be loved back – and in a sense ’tis that too, seeking those who will never love me back, the arrogant, self centered, toxic people… hoping to be the one to change them, for me to save them, and them to save me.)

Recognizing is the first step I guess.

Love & peace

(Sunday, 15th November 2020; 13:24 ish)

sing for me, because i don’t exist… anymore

Oh how woefully ironic it is to be alive,

you say you never do but do you always

say give me space, but you never give me any

open up your heart, when you never thought about opening yours

you say you never got angry, then what is directed at me?

you say you believe in this, but it’s all just for show,

pretending.

you say you have no choice, but you never tried to choose

tell me out in more effort, but you let your blindness guide you.

We say we want to live, but all we do is die.

(Wednesday, Nov 11th 2020. 00:04 ish)

Do I deserve to exist?

How could somebody who ‘had it all’ want anything more?

Humans are just like that

enough is never enough

but sometimes we have to realise that…

we lacked some thing,

that maybe were required,

needed,

for us to continue.

And it’s not like having those things is required.

It’s just a lot easier to live

and to not kill yourself.

(Love and peace, Sunday 8th nov 2020, 10:30 ish)